Who Am I Now?

Who am I now? Every moment our mind inundates itself asking and answering this one question. Who am I now…and now… and now? Who am I here and who I am there? Who am I in that person’s story of me? Who am I in my story of the past, present and future? Who am I when I decide to go here or there? Who am I when I do not go any place at all? What words or deeds define me to the world at large? Who am I in appearance, social stature, or day-to-day circumstance? How does each portrayal differ from past stories and where do the stories go from here? All of our “what now” thoughts are answering the question “who now?” Truly, this is the only question we are consistently answering, defining, and seeking in an experience we call life and thus self-experience.

Only your self-definitions keep you trapped and yearning. This concept is so imperative that it begs repeating: “ONLY your self-definitions keep you trapped and yearning.” Tell me, what is the very reason that we seek or care to define ourselves within the world? Is it not because we feel empty and confused, worthless or invaluable, unless we have some role or identity to play? Is there not a difference between the role of “successful billionaire” and “social vagrant”? From where does the difference arise and to what result? A human-beings greatest fear is to live his or her life unknown. To live unknown is to be without value and thus eventually be forgotten. This is why so many people yearn to have children, careers, and accomplishments. Without these blips left on the map of life, who would we be? According to the ego, the answer is that we would be no one. To be no one is nothing that we dare consider without endless pangs of terror coursing through our mind.

Thus with the terror of being forgotten deep within our mind, we continue on an endless journey of strain and struggle to be someone. It is through the one accomplishment of being known that we perceive ourselves to have value. Yet, what if I was to say your value is changelessly deemed as magnificent? What if I was to say that no role, accomplishment, identity, or influence could dare change your current state of pure perfection? Yes. There I go with those ridiculous spiritual platitudes again. However, briefly let your mind consider what I am saying. Do you really feel that a loving Creator would doom your eternal value and security to relative transitory accomplishments? Would He make an eternal Creation rely on requirement to be of value? What would be the purpose of creating an energy that is destined to fade away into nothingness if it were not "famous" or "accomplished"? Doesn’t make much sense, does it? Consequently, which of our worldly accomplishments are truly lasting and does not require additional stress? How can we find peace and happiness within a further requirement of strain? God's Creations cannot be transitory if they were real. Thus, it would be foolish to require an eternal Creation to rely on transitory hopes or dreams for his or her ultimate purpose. Again, a nonsensical requirement if our Creator truly valued all He did Create.

A Course in Miracles asks us to remember that Love created me like Itself. Holiness created Me Holy. Kindness created me kind. Helpfulness created me helpful. Perfection created me perfect. Does this sound like a creation that need be dependent on his or her explorations and accomplishments within the world to be of value? Therefore, as this lesson in the Course calls us to "think about our reality and its wholly unchanged and unchangeable nature" I ask you to consider for a moment if your dependency on accomplishments within the world have only cast a shadow upon the Truth You are. Furthermore, I am going step into my role of “cage rattler” and declare: “God does not need a single worldly accomplishment from you to value you!” God does not need you to do any task, ritual, or sacrament to increase or decrease the love He has for You right now! God does not need you to be anyone other than the perfect, magnificent, loved, and happy Creation that which He eternally communicated into existence before the beginning of time.

The ego will try to convince you that what I say now is complete lunacy. It may even try to tell you that I only seek to insult the rich, famous or denounce them out of a seeking to be in their shoes. This could only be true to the mind that is afraid of losing what he or she has attached to him or herself. Who is it that asks for attachments or needs? Yikes, more cage rattling. However, no matter your fears of loss or gain, it is important that we do not cast a blind eye upon what we fear deeply within our mind. The egos investments are a sign of from where it perceives and if we desire peace, than surely nothing real can be threatened. Honestly, there is not insult to these words, yet only a call to question the values you hold. If you feel anger, is not because you feel a value can be threatened? Only the world has needs and can be threatened. Only the world sets up requirements and makes demands based on its investment in fear. Fear's foundation is a belief in emptiness. Fear has NOTHING to do with God! Thus, every idea that stems from fear, or happens because of a belief in fear, is nothing but a lie upon the Truth that God Himself deemed as True. This lie is a mere cloud upon the brilliant sunshine that God extends forever. Like all clouds, they can but temporarily block out the sun’s rays, but cannot ever destroy the Light and Permanence of its Creation.

Be willing to accept the completeness of your magnificence and life becomes a simple passage. Our day-to-day experiences lead only to the more profound realization that we already are (and have always been) in perfect peace. Likewise, you do not need to constantly ask and seek to answer “Who Am I.” Instead, as you choose to accept God’s changeless awareness of You, each day will simply flow with perfect trust. This perfect trust does not mean that you choose not to have a career, pay your bills on time, or invest in a life of crime saying, “Well, it’s all perfect anyway.” No, only the ego would distort such trust for its own ridiculous self-abasement. Instead, we willingly do all our responsibilities within the world with a sense of strength and appreciation, rather than a sense of fear or frustration.

Again, I want to make this clear: there is nothing wrong with doing accomplishments within the world. However, each accomplishment can be given greatest glory when it is rooted in a sense of solid Self-awareness rather than fear or emptiness. These types of accomplishments are not dependent and require minimal effort. Our only effort (if any) is the initial step to give our will to God and then sit back to watch Him lead in Love. When we surrender our will to Holy Spirit's or God's Will, He gives us tasks and direction from a sense of Self-affirmation, rather than self-searching. This is the slight difference between the jobs Spirit assigns and the meaningless jobs of the world. Spirit only gives us an affirmation of Our Truth. He sends us off in directions that will only reaffirm our True Peace and make manifest a more profound Self-awareness. He will guide us in our journey of healing, so that the healing we witness for our brothers and sisters, becomes only an affirmation of the wholeness we are in Truth. Each task becomes a “whistling while we work” rather than a funeral dirge of fear.

Moments like this, I think about my dog. No really, I believe there is a reason why dog spelled backwards is “god.” My dog does not ever struggle or stress over getting or achieving. She is pure happiness in every moment, almost as if she recognizes no reason to question otherwise. For my dog, a walk outside is just as much of a joy as a snooze on the couch. She meets a bowl of the same dry food day after day with the same gleeful anticipation. She accepts a rub on the tummy with the greatest sense of self-adoration. Surely, she must simply know and accept how loved she is without question or further concern. She feels no need to daily strive further attempting to please me, uncertain of my reciprocity. No, instead, she is the same exact wholly loving dog every day and she trusts that I will always be the equivalent perfectly accepting master.

Okay, now its time for more cage rattling. Some of you reading this note find themselves actively involved in the journey of spiritual self-awareness. Many of you engage in daily tasks such as long hours of meditation, special diets, candle or incense burning, altar building, crystal-collecting and hymn or mantra repetition to mention only a few. What if I was to say to you (and I am) that these tasks are needless to reaffirm your spiritual value? Again, I say this not to belittle, but to call out a greater awareness. In Truth, you need not do even one of these ceremonies to confirm God’s point of view. The only purpose to these routines is for you to find tools that can assist you on the journey of remembering your True Self. Yes, remembering your True Self is an important purpose, but the tools themselves have no particular meaning except the meaning that you give. For some this meaning is imperative, especially when we consider the myriads of ways we have invested in forgetting. However, no matter how pretty or cleansing to the body these tools are, none can compare to the genuine reality of your Self that is not dependent upon any thing outside itself to brilliantly thrive. This is why the Course refers to these tools as "magic." I do not believe that the Course does this to offend our worldly investments. Instead, I believe we are told this merely so that we can question our investments and see past and distorted attachments.

Therefore, it is possible to purely remember your True Self daily without a single sacrament or body-identification. How? Make the choice to center your mind on love over fear. Choose to remember your True Self in each moment by being your True Self. Extend the awareness of your solidly deserving love to every person you encounter. Be grateful, accepting, willing, compassionate, supportive, and joyful through all the highs and lows of life experience. Choose to see peace instead of pain. Choose to give rather than resist. Greet your brothers and sisters with open arms rather than suffocating judgments. Rather than saying, “I’ll pray for you” out of belittling fear or pompous arrogance, recognize that God is with each person right here and right now. Place the willfulness of your own mind aside each day and desire to see within to the Love of God. You can recognize a lack of realizing this Love if you linger in judgment, defense or frustration. Choose instead to play out an extension of Love to every person, despite what your "rational mind" would rather have you say or do. Do this and God’s awareness of You not only remains your perfect reality, but also you do see every reality as perfect. Truly, what could bestow greater peace and happiness?

Recently, I noticed within me a personal loathing for all “things” spiritual. My thinking and emotional preferences literally developed a disgust for what I perceived as the Capitalistic spiritual pathway. I felt myself thinking, “The credence repeats over and over without any results” and “every book is empty bull unless I begin to put it to use.” I likened every spiritual, motivational or self-help guru to just another dog and pony show saying: “If I hear another lecture on spirituality, I’ll puke!” Yes, these thoughts were quite insistent that I have had enough with where the world wanted to take me spiritually. This included my own teaching and writing, from which I vehemently backed away. What was this abhorrence all about? Obviously, the distaste I was feeling was not arising from peace and so I had to give the awareness to Holy Spirit. With this, I found myself overwhelmed by a business of spirituality. Just as the diet Mecca does not reduce weight, the spiritual commercialism did not have me feel more peaceful. Why? Was I merely aligning with the resistance of the ego? Like someone who invests in a pricey diet but still sneaks Twinkies beneath her pillow, was I still trying to do things my own way? At first, this excuse seemed like a viable option, until I recognized how blaming the ego or guilting myself for resistance also did not bring me peace. I listened again to the furied thoughts and sought to give them all to Holy Spirit asking Him to show me what I was lacking within my own confusion.

Finally, one consistent realization birthed itself from the clouds: “seeking is asking and asking does not know.” If I wanted to know, investing in my wanting was not going to reveal the knowledge that already exists within me. The industry of spirituality was not to blame for my disgust. I projected my inner disgust on the industry of spirituality, as it seemed to play out my attachment to wanting or needing from the outside. My disgust was a sign that I was disgusted with wanting and seeing myself as not having. Let this thought rest within your mind for a moment and allow it to seep through your own awareness of the spiritual practice. Ask yourself for the reason why you first and continually engage in spiritual rituals? What are you seeking to find? From and for who is the seeking engaged. Yes, the answer does set you back a bit.

Personally, my involvement in spirituality was supposed to “make me more peaceful.” Every workshop that I attended offered me the opportunity to get to know peace more… or so my seeking mind did think. Each investment had the potential for making me closer to realizing how I still was as God Created me. However, in order for me to receive peace, wouldn’t I first have to deny my current experience of peace? It is only possible to deny one’s own peace if one denies the True Self or uses the world to define him or herself. Only the world’s paradigm repeatedly tells us how we are not good or peaceful enough because of money, relationships, or other world-based identities. Truly, it is only the ego that denies peace.. period. Thus, as long as I refused the peace within, using the world as my teacher, I denied my True Self and every invested penny had a purpose in my continued plan of Self-denial. Oddly enough, I was giving the responsibility to the workshop and not myself. I often found it most ironic how within most workshops, after the $350.00 workshop fee was collected, the teacher would instruct, “all of the words and truths I share are also within you.” Uh, okay, my sarcastic mind thought: “So why did I pay to be here rather than just stay home?” Some lecturers would tell me how “the angels stood before me knowing all that I did not know about my magnificent Self.” Wow. What wonderful words for a person whom wanted to be someone peaceful, loved, and/or worthy. When would I finally begin to see this Vision within myself? Would it be during the next pay per channel session? Alternatively, maybe the Truth would finally emerge after the next book purchased. One thing was certain though… and it was not me.

Do not get me wrong, I am not dismissing the spiritual teaching circuit. I am not saying that people who teach spirituality are snake-oil salespersons or frauds. Heck, this statement would be denouncing my own self, right? I do have my own book for sale… and you can get it at this website! HAHA! No seriously, all that I am stating is that each of us on this pathway is responsible for asking and answering one question: “Who am I now?" The answer to this one question can take you to unimaginable depths of self-awareness. Most likely, the most “self-fulfilling” answer arises when you seek not to answer the question from the outside, but instead choose to notice your experience of the question from the inside. Every answer you strive for outside is merely a temporal distraction to your own “Who am I” search inside. This is why asking is not knowing.

Try then, as best you can, to discern objectively the story of “me” in every thought. Find the story of “me” within both your spiritual practice and every worldly endeavor. Take notice of how every thought within your mind is a story of “me” asking to be told and denoting characters to play out this story. If you notice deeply, you will see how none of these thoughts ever arrives at any particularly permanent or satisfactory realization. The stories of “me” keep spinning as long as you recognize the need to invest in a “me” that is not whole or complete right now. This is not a bad realization. I do not say these concepts to discourage you; however, the more we choose to notice how the story of “me” is meaningless and riddled in Self-denial, the more we are able to reawaken ourselves beyond the story.

Is it not true that we can often become lost in our day-to-day experiences? I can lie within my bed, upon first awakening, and think of a million tasks to do before placing my feet upon the floor. These thoughts will justify their necessity. Each thought convincingly states multiple reasons for why, when and how I must follow through “or else.” These thoughts will plan my day, telling me how much time I can remain in bed, how much time I will need to get dressed, walk the dog, get out of the house, and engage fully in each daily need. These thoughts will berate me if I attempt to turn them off. They will tell me that I cannot “be irresponsible” and that “I must” or “should” do a myriad of tasks just in order to stay afloat within the world. My spiritual rituals can also pronounce similar testimony. If I do not “do my daily lesson,” “pray at least 5 minutes” or “read so many pages in the Course” I will “never find the peace that is me.” It took me years and years to begin seeing how each of these thoughts only have a story about me which is apart from the present moment and that peace is only known in the present moment. Therefore, with my investment in these thoughts I was only succeeding at keeping peace at bay. Again, peace later is blindness to peace now.

Take a moment today to practice the awareness of simply being aware. Try to practice a more profound awareness of the self that is engaging in spiritual practice or life tasks. Attempt to listen to the story of this self and then love it for just existing despite what it does or thinks. Then take a chance and step away from the self-help book, candle, mantra, affirmation audio, special diet, or incense. Do not step away out of aversion. Merely wish to let go temporarily of your attachment to the outer tool. Discover who is using these modalities to grasp for a peace and why. Take a moment to allow a recognition that speaks for the peace solidly existing right now within her or him. Take a moment to notice who is writing, who is praying, who is asking, and who is seeking. Then once you recognize who you think you are, as well as who you are hoping to become, STOP. Sit and just be exactly then and exactly there. Notice if you begin to undertake a routine of self-analysis. Analysis is another form of distraction, as it is trying to understand rather than just experience. If you notice this, let the analysis go as well. Forgiving all that you see yourself desiring to be, understand or do will bring you back to the present moment.

Attempt not to be concerned if an absolute terror arises within you during this suggested practice. This fear only reaffirms how your mind has been aptly accustomed to investing in devices of distraction for the consistency of time. These devices of distraction (both words contain root references to the verb “to divide”) are accomplishing their goal. However, now that you have chosen to realize a goal of “now” rather than “then” the terror comes to the forefront. Do not worry; terror can never stay within your mind for long. Fear is dependent on distraction and investment. If you were to merely watch the terror without response, all the discomfort quickly fades from your perception. Beyond time, the only experience remaining will be one of simply being, and this is peace at last.

In summary, if we choose to dedicate moments to notice who is seeking and who is finding, we will chose to be the finder much more often than the seeker. We find what we already possess. Accepting all that we possess only allows us to recognize its value with a greater intensity. Therefore, “Who am I” becomes “Who I am” and right this moment God knows.

Pamela B. Silberman is the author of Simply Being: One Year with Spirit, currently available at all major booksellers and on Amazon.com. Her personal website is www.simplybeing.net