A Conversation on Peace in Relationships

Okay, for the last time, I want to know what truly, one-hundred percent would guarantee a healthy relationship with another human being.

Each individual constructs the idea of a healthy relationship from within his or her own perceptions and expectations. What you judge is what you see. Choose to see unlimited peace in your partner and the partnership will express peace unlimited.

What?! That sounds a bit too free-flowing there.

Ahh, so you would prefer restrictions upon your healthy relationship? You are saying that the relationship can be healthy as long as it adheres to certain preconceptions and rules that you have lain down.

You’re right, that doesn’t sound too good. However, if relationship partners did not impose rules on his or her relationship, anarchy would ensue. Everyone would do any action that they did wish. I don’t know if that is too healthy.

I think you are confusing permission to be abused with full acceptance of your partner. Abusive relationships do not result from full-acceptance equally shared within a relationship. Usually an abusive partner, who is already living by the rules of restriction and fear his or herself, partners with just the right person to support or challenge that confused ideal. It does take two to tango.

That sounds like you are blaming the victim.

I’m not talking about blame, but I am asking for full self-awareness from all ends. If an individual is living within the ideas of fear, self-depletion, and restriction, then these will become the script of his or her relationship experience. This is true even if there is not another person physically present within the room. Indeed your projections do make your perceptions. What you see within often justifies what you demand on the outside.

But how would I then release myself from an abusive relationship?

I would not recommend that you wait until the cookies are charcoal burnt to change the recipe. If you are in an abusive relationship, get out. Get to a safe and healthy place, knowing that you deserve an environment of health and safety over drama and abuse. Then, once you are safe and able to see passed the perception of destruction, choose to take as much introspective space as possible. Notice what you may be thinking within yourself that could invite an abusive relationship. Notice what within yourself does not ask for respect and love or feels that you are unworthy of respect and love. What do you ask to receive from another individual? What are you in need of losing? What do you feel you must gain in order to protect yourself from being alone? If there is a call for fear, self-depletion and restriction, each individual (upon deep introspection) will see how he or she first defines him or herself in terms of emptiness rather than completion.

I have said before that it is only the beliefs that you hold against yourself which truly restrict you. See yourself as incomplete or in need, lost or afraid, corrupted or able to be corrupted by another and you will always see depletion in every relationship.

Sounds like you are saying that the healthiest relationship emerges from the healthiest self-esteem.

I am. In addition, remember, a healthy self-esteem is not haughty or demanding. A healthy self-esteem is honest, loving, humble, and open to listen to inner wisdom far before outer demands. The healthiest inner condition is always aware of how judgments are manipulating and confusing your own peace of mind. The only idea that presents suffering is the wish for you, your mind, and/or your current life experiences to be different than they are at this time presenting. I know this sounds like I am asking you to haphazardly approve of every situation. But I am not asking this of you. Approval is a form of judgment. Acceptance is simply seeing the situation as it is without further distortion, condemnation or judgment. Acceptance can lead to progressive problem solving and is not passive or submissive behavior.

Okay, so I have to ask: How then am I to change a negative situation if I cannot first see it as negative?

Seek to change all that you are able to change with your own perspective or behavior right now. Then, as the proverb says: “live and learn.” Take the moment of self-reflection and give it over to productive peaceful living. Keep your eyes and your heart open as you walk this earth and seek not to invite such negative situations again.

That sounds like you are blaming everyone for his or her own suffering, crimes or unfair treatment.

I am only asking you to live from a perspective point of self-awareness rather than fear or self-destruction. How does the victim thought benefit you? How does debating the topic of there being “innocent victims” and the “possibility for random acts of violence” bring you peace right now?

Well, that would help me realize that no matter what I say or do, I can’t protect myself from everything. Life can’t always be perfect.

Ahh. So you are saying that the thought which conditions a need for fear or unhappiness is a thought which is valuable?

I, uh.. geez. This is not working with my own head!

Exactly. This is the first self-recognition that will result in your peace of mind. Notice how every judgment that you want to impose on your partner does not lead to peace of mind, no matter how justified it does appear to the ego. By imposing judgments on your partner, condemning or fearing them, are you living a peace-filled relationship? Would it not be better to quiet your own ego-justifications and fully open the communication lines of love without expectations?

Gosh, that still sounds really scary to my mind. What about children? How would I teach them?

Are you saying that guiding children with open lines of communication, full acceptance and love is a bad thing?

It will spoil them.

Again, full acceptance is not full approval. It is not saying “here child, if you decide to go play in traffic for an hour, I’m perfectly okay with this choice.” No. Full acceptance, guided by full love, says to the child, “I love you so much that I know, perhaps more than you currently know, that playing in traffic will not serve your body well. Therefore, although you may not want me to disagree, I will have to disagree and not permit this activity to take place.” Then, if the child resists or argues, the parent simply and lovingly continues the open communication and appropriate guidance. Yes, that guidance may be to stop talking if the talking is leading to cyclical or illogical arguements and demands. Sometimes it is best to simply ask the child why he or she feels it is helpful for him or her to play in traffic. On the other hand, it would also be perfectly okay to say your peace, walk away from the child, all the while knowing that they will remain safe with your words and in your home. If you feel that they still will not make safe decisions, that further action is required.

I am not saying that you let your child run wild without self-responsibility or teach him or her self-recognition and respect. With loving guidance always results loving response. Loving self-awareness from the parent, results in a child who is lovingly self-aware and loving self-aware people do not purposeful make irresponsible or harmful decisions for themselves or anyone else. Children still do make mistakes, just as parents themselves can recall the lessons learned through his or her own mistakes. However, a loving parent in a loving and fully aware relationship with his or her child will encourage less random mistakes. A wise child comes from a home filled with wisdom. A fearful or neglectful child also arises from a home that is living in fear and values neglect.

Imagine a conversation with your child that says: “I love you and do not understand why you may want to do or have this experience, item, etc. But I do love you enough to say enough.” Yes, it is okay to remind the child that he or she may not like the parent’s decision, but arguments will not change the decision. You may even want to throw in the mix a lesson about how resistance only results a lack of peace with the decision.

Sounds rather heady for a three-year old to comprehend.

I don’t recommend this avenue for a three-year old, but perhaps for a sixteen year-old whom is acting three years old. And trust me, a sixteen year-old only acts in these ways because he or she is not comfortable with his or own level of self-control and self-esteem. The uncertain mind makes demands, not the mind at peace. As a loving parent, if you were to see how your child is only acting this way because he or she is feeling powerless and afraid, you would begin to accept his or her feelings with loving compassion rather than resistant argument. You will still have your conversations and apply your loving guidelines, but you will do these actions without regret, resistance, or fear. Resisting and arguing with the child only contributes to the cycle of defense and attack. Choosing to lovingly teach the child, guiding him or her to a journey of peace and self-acceptance will have better results.

So I’m not supposed to give a child whatever he or she wants?

I’ll let you answer that question. However, I think your own inner wisdom can clearly see that giving a child everything is not a good or healthy choice for the child. If you fear your child will not love or appreciate you, does that not have more to do with your own inner beliefs in rejection, abandonment and being unloved than that of the child? For those of you whom are struggling with this, I suggest you read that sentence slowly again. You know who you are. (smile)

This again, is why I say all persons within the relationship must enter in with eyes and hearts wide open. See what you see and fear within yourself long before you start making demands upon another. Do you have belief that you can be rejected or are unworthy? Call this belief to your consciousness and see how it is making its own demands upon you or fearful expectations upon others. Do you have a need for power and control? If so, why? What is without peace or balance within you that has this demand for power and control? Heal this first and all your relationships will immediately improve.

A Course in Miracles asks you to look within and see no lack for both you and your partner. This is a key to peace, but may not seem easy within the common situations of the world. The common situations of the world will demand and justify judgment of others and demands for them to change first! But truly I say, this will not, does not reflect or cause peace for yourself. At best this belief places you in a giant waiting room of resentment and ill-will. Love does not stand with you here, but love has been placed on hold while you choose to value your demands and judgments first.

Wow. That sounds pretty tough.

It is from an egoic point of view. The ego wants to be in charge. The ego wants to justify its judgments, keeping the battle of defense and need progressing. The ego wants everyone else to change but not work within itself for peace of mind. The ego would rather say it is nothing but a victim, has validated fears and needs to worry or be in complete to control for its own safety.

Hmm.. sounds like the type A personality.

Yes, the type A personality is all about uncertainty. This is not a bad thing, it is just a personality that chooses to see more with fear than with peace. This personality believes in must be in control or else the world will result in full anarchy. But truly, what does this persona really know other than its own currently projected fears and more fears that if control is not taken the worst will always happen. How can that be peaceful?

It is not peaceful.

Nor is it true. Your current worry and demands for control only lead you on a hamster wheel of destructive thinking. Truly, how many of your worries actually protected you or gave you peace in the moment? How many of these worries and “necessities for responsibility” brought you happiness?

An adult is not supposed to always be happy. An adult is supposed to teach and protect his or her child.

Ahh.. so worry protects your child?

If I didn’t worry about them it would mean that I did not love them! I would be filled with apathy and uncaring.

Ahh, so it is either you live in restriction now or be an asshole parent? I see. Sounds a bit extreme don’t ya think?!

Well… okay maybe a bit extreme. All I am saying is that I want the best for my child, my family and me. Is that so wrong?

Not wrong. But peace of mind and loving awareness will always result in the loving action that you desire, without first driving you crazy or stressing you out. You can have peace of mind without endless fear or worry. In fact, it is a necessity. It is impossible to have worry and genuine peace. Again, this does not mean that you will haphazardly permit all things harmful to occur to your self, your family, or your child. However, choosing peace of mind and loving guidance will allow you to see yourself and those you love peacefully, therefore making decisions from peace rather than fear. But don’t make me convince you. Try it out for a moment.

How?

The next time you see yourself going down the road of worry, judgment, or just plain fearful uncertainty, take a deep breath and try to settle your thoughts.

Oh.. so I’m supposed to be some guru and meditate the next time I have an important decision to make? Who has time for that??!

Listen. I am not asking you to close your eyes while operating a moving vehicle on a speeding highway. Take the moments for peace now, long before you are behind the wheel.

Sometimes I feel like I’m always behind the wheel.

And so you will never give yourself a chance for peace. Sounds like the hamster wheel to me. Tell me, do you truly want peace?

I do, really, I do. I’ve prayed for it time and time again! I’ve begged and pleaded for it!

How much have you simply stopped your thinking mind for it?

Ahh.. well… never.

Okay then. Let’s do that. Seek to take more moments for stopping the thinking mind and living on the hamster wheel and you will see how peace will make itself known more often than you think. Literally.

And all I need do is say I want peace?

Yes. All you need do is choose peace. All you need do is claim peace in the moment, breathe it in and let yourself notice how peace is much more valuable to your time than fear or demands for self-control. Wanting too often brings more want, which validates a feeling of not having or inner emptiness. Choosing peace gives peace. Give it a moment and it will work. It works if you work it.

Okay, thank you for this conversation. I do appreciate your advice. Although I have to admit that I may not completely agree or understand it.

That is a perfectly loving and humble thought. One that would be well-shared with ones that you love, especially when you see one another in disagreement.

Hmm. Okay. I will try.

Good. Remember that you are loved and that you deserve to know this love for yourself and all others by choosing peace over fear. This will always result in the relationship of love, acceptance, and self-awareness. In Truth, it gives you all the control back for which you desperately pray. Here you take the control to make a decision for peace rather than lead your life as a victim of fear. It is that clear.

Thank you.

I love you.