Healing Alone

The voice beckoned clearly within my mind: “Now is the time to gather your light.” Closing my eyes, I meditatively sought to follow where this invitation was leading me. “Breathe now,” it continued with an alluring gentility. Confident and peaceful, the prompting was simple: “Sink within.” An inner sanctum of serenity followed like the opening of a sacred door. Its welcoming allowed me to settle and rest without concern for the outer world. “Breathe and feel my presence. I am with you Beloved.” Following every direction, the awareness of his presence rose to my consciousness. Yes, there was a companion joined with me in this stillness. His clear and concise directions drew me closer: “Breathe and rest. Breathe and rest.” Hypnotically abiding by His inducing lullaby, I found myself more deeply quieted with every breath. “Now, see me here.”
A warm and strong pressure lay naturally, like a single hand, upon my shoulder. Turning to meet the owner of this grasp, his eyes spoke for his entire being. Alive with a turquoise blue crystalline light they enticed me with mesmeric desirability. He used no words, this single gaze communicated more kindness, compassion, love, and fortitude than any standard greeting could convey. I felt strangely awestruck but equally immersed with attraction. Dumb, unable to respond, my lips felt faint as they did yield to his enthralling presence. Without my mind or body figuring out a motion, I jumped into his arms reigniting the relationship of long lost friend and teacher, guide and beloved. His body supported the whole of me. As he smiled, I intuitively felt his words more than heard them: “Now is the time to gather your light.” With a rush of invigorating inhalation, breath flowed deeply through my body, rising within it as if it was my first. This breath was all I was. Encompassing me, the limitations of my physical self seemed to be located in another room. I was here, but also surely not. Experiencing the breath flow through some remnant of me, fresh and invigorating, I once again felt myself gaze into my companion’s eyes as my core.

“Be with me, now.” The space around us exposed a palpable Light. Streaming in hills and valleys, sky and sea, the Light’s depth appeared like the background landscape of a motion picture focusing into clearer view. Meanwhile, at the same moment, the connection between my teacher and me transported us into a magnificent realm of genuine existence. While simply being in this space, I could still recall the fact that my physical body remained in a chair and in a room within a house. However, what house, what room, what chair? It all did not seem very identifiable at this point of time. Instead, there seemed to be a more desirous lure for joining between my companion and me. We stood together, face to face, his hand still firmly settled on my shoulder. A field of indistinct pearlescent white luminosity, surrounded yet simultaneously contained us. Once again, like my companion’s eyes, I felt myself absorbed, immersed and awestruck by the light as if it spoke to and held me in the same moment. Vast limitless rays of diamond-like sparkling wisps, similar to sunbeams, extended from the Light’s presence. These rays embodied a distinct intelligence, existing now only to be present. Being here, just here, my awareness felt beset in love, tranquility, and presence. I felt known and alive, but without a precise identity – actually, these words themselves cannot accurately give meaning to who the self was or where it existed. All in all was only all.

Upswept by both forever and the instant, yet beyond any depth of measurement, an awareness of words moved through me: “This is your Truth. Be your Self. Accept this reality and allow yourself to be still within it, even if only for a moment.” Wherefore, although my eyes still seemed closed… or at least I could sense an association with closed eyes, the stillness of the instant seeped through me staying in attention to all that the sensations of Light and pure presence expressed.

“Gather your light, be its strength, and walk with me.” Now, the light followed. No, it walked me. Literally, the Light moved me step by step. Supporting every footfall, my mindfulness walked in light and I quickly lost any recollection of a separate self. No longer could I visibly see my companion. There was no discernable space between us. I felt him both with and within me. The light parted like misty stage curtains bowing before and to our sides. With liveliness it seemed to caress me with gentle kisses on passing. With each advance, I felt my being soak up more light. Yes, I became more like the light with every pace… gaining strength, knowledge, purpose, and presence… that is until the door appeared.

In its own vacuum the door stood as the first hint of solid form. Standing unaided, as if on a sound stage, the door did not have any walls supporting its form. Solid and unyielding, it rose from the mist. On approach, I felt like the main character of a 1940’s movie. Reaching out, I fantastically watched as my hand transformed from vivid Technicolor into pallid grayscale. Where the Light about me was warm and yielding, the door felt cold and rigid. A chill ran through me, emitting a sense of cheerlessness. However, as I curiously wished to understand why it seemed to cause a shivering stir within me, I fleetingly noticed an attraction to what this obstacle seemed to conceal. The door ached for my touch and my fingertips tingled as if responding to its call. “Yes…” I thought, “I need to touch... I wish to feel… perhaps I can be differ…”

Whoosh!!! Spinning… spiraling… thump! Opening my eyes, my thoughts swam with confusion. An infinite cavern of blackness surrounded me. Where am I? Who am I? Words. I think I remember words. But from where? Who? Squeezing my eyes to focus, I struggled to bring the words to my mind: “You cannot wholly forget, Beloved. The Light is all about you. Go now and realize what you wish. Forget not my companionship. I am your Strength and not the emptiness.” “The emptiness” what does that mean? And what light? There is no light. Where am I? How did I come here? My body rapidly began to read its environment: dizzy… confused… dark… cold… tired… restricted. I tried to breathe in but convulsions of coughing escaped from my frail body. The air did not feel natural. What’s going on?? Quickly my eyes darted around the space. However, to my dismay, not a single form was noticeable in the front, behind, or to either side of me. Darkness was all-encompassing… but now even that was fading from my sight.

Sensing the emptiness once again before seeing it, a flood of thoughts shocked me back into consciousness. My thoughts began to spin. What had I done to deserve this? Am I lost? Am I sick? Am I crazy? Am I dead? Questions churned one after another littering my mind, leaving me with limited breathing space. I felt my shoulders slump from the heaviness of confusion, frustration, disappointment, and fear.

“Do not fear my beloved, I am here.” My heart jumped in excitement. That voice! I know that voice!! “Where are you? Who are you?? Please! Please tell me! I can’t see you! I’m afraid… so very afraid.” There was no response as my eyes anxiously searched the shadows. Dashing from corner to corner, my pupils sought for some confirmation that I was not as alone as I felt. Crying out again, “I heard YOU! I hear you!!! Please help me!!! Where am I??” Again, no response. Collapsing in a mix of weakness and exasperation, I felt the wetness of tears stream from my eyes. Like a clear white flash of lightening, a light seemed to appear just out of the corner of my eyes. What is that? Fear once again paralyzed my body and restricted my breathing. In quiet desperation, my mouth formed the words “please help…” but without a sound escaping and I passed out once again.

Ahh.. dreams. Warmth… peace… love… light. The images danced before me in perfect calm and contentment. “Shhh my Beloved, trust. You are safe, I am with you whether you can see me or not. This blindness shall not last. Trust. Walk forward and you shall find your way… trust in me, feel my hand with your own… I am here.” Ahh, yes, a reassuring caress upon my shoulder.

The sensation of being touched roused me alert again. Sitting up, my eyes once again searched the darkness. However, this time, despite the surges of fear within me, a single word echoed in my mind, “trust.” The word seemed to be draped in a luminous halo. Perhaps a dream? The vision felt so pleasing. Was it a mirage of an oasis in the desert? “Who’s here??!” Exasperatingly, I cried out again into the darkness. “Where are you?!??” “Who should I trust in??! Who?” My words fell muted as if the walls were made of pillows. The darkness seemed to suffocate the airflow. I struggled to focus on what my eyes could or could not see. Trust. Within the struggling mind that only wanted to know where it was and why it was here, the idea of trust seemed as foreign as any idea of light. How, can I begin to grasp onto to something that I cannot see? The recognition of this perfect metaphor set off a gurgle of sardonic laughter. How strange was this request, but so appropriate to this situation. Shouting into the darkness like a rebellious teenager, I reluctantly surrendered. “Okay! Fine! I’ll trust, IF that is what YOU want, whoever YOU are!” This time the words appeared to echo within my mind more than off the unseen walls. Hell, I thought, obviously I didn’t have anything else to lose. What do I know? Indeed these thoughts now gave me a rubric to ponder, just watching the darkness along with the how and why thoughts of trust muddling through my mind felt like a temporary hobby. But wait! No! NO! NO!! That can’t be! I paused my breathing in terror and anticipation. There was a VOICE!!! Yes, wait, no, yes.. shhh.. I said to myself as if I was trying to muffle an outside source. I heard her voice.

The reverberation of child-like sobbing seeped barely audible from an unseen part of the darkness. At first, the weeping appeared soft and distant; however, once I began to attune my attention, I could clearly hear that the crying emerged from a closer corner. “Was there a child here with me?” Surely, I could not see anyone… including my own hand if waved in front of my eyes. Nonetheless, someone was crying… a young child… quiet but yet persistent, racked with fear. My eyes once again purposefully darted around this shadow consumed space, as if my determination could reveal what my eyes were unable to see. “HELLO???” I exclaimed. “Helllloooooo??!” Nothing. My words once again fell off nearly muted by the unseen space. Crying, still hearing it, there was no way that this sound was a figment of my imagination. Yes, my mind considered. Wrapped in darkness and uncertainty, perhaps this crying is my mind inventing a connection. Maybe I am clinging to delusions now to keep the last bits of sanity from draining out of my mind. Nevertheless, this crying sounded so real. A fearful chill scored up my spine as I halfheartedly repeated the words just realized, “insanity… delusional.” A sigh escaped from within me, just as the crying intensified. “You know what?” I spoke to myself and to the emptiness around me as if it was now gaining personality. “I don’t care if I’m crazy! Somehow… somewhere… if there is a child in here, I’ve got to find her!”

Picking myself off the ground and taking a minute to close my eyes, I purposefully thought of the call to trust. Almost like a prayer, I let the words take my lead, “If you want me to trust, then I will! Guide me in where to go and what to do next.” Jolting from the immediate response, I felt a prodding to my left. The darkness remained as dark as before; yet, perhaps there was some reason for being here. No, I cannot let my mind get into thinking mode now. Just trust in this blind and deaf game of Marco Polo.

Surrendering to the inner space, both internal and external pushes from behind me lift my legs. Oddly, I felt like a marionette clumsily jolting the disjointed body across a stage. Step by step, each foot found its way almost as if they knew the way before my own thinking could conceive it. Soon my eyes began to adjust and a small crouched image becomes apparent from the corner of the room. Closer now, she squats upon the floor with her back turned away from me. Huddling knees to chest, the outline of her body did not appear to have any more detail than a lump of raw clay. A simple silhouette, I could faintly make out her mousey brown hair, wavy like my own. The locks fell to her shoulders without much style. A silky puffed, long sleeve, ivory free-flowing nightdress, similar to the ones seen in eighteenth century period pieces, covered her slight figure. Arms hugged close to her torso, her shoulders quivered up and down in unison with muffled sobs. From what I could distinguish, she appeared to be crying into her hands, which was another reason why I could barely perceive any facial features. It was obvious that she really wanted to hide, not just in the dark, but also in her own sadness.

Not wanting to startle her, or cause more fear, I tenderly whispered “Hello,” although I was not sure if she could hear me betwixt her own weeping. Waiting, there was no response, just more crying. The mother instinct seemed to arise within me and my arms did achingly yearn to draw her in. Unexpectedly, just the presence of her, so real albeit so lost, squelched my own longing and memories of previous terror. She was there. WE were here. A resounding leap of joy bounced within my mind in appreciative realization. Thank God, I am not alone! Not only did I want to comfort her, to help cease her fear, but also I wanted to care for her. Desperately I wanted to grab her and tell her how very afraid I was… that was until now. Now that she was here, maybe we could help each other find our way out from this bizarre place! Without touching her, for fear of truly sending her over the edge, I bent my body slightly but respectfully closer to her form. “Listen,” I said gently, “I don’t know who you are, or why I am here, but I do want to help you if I can.” Just then, her sobbing became sniffing. Was she listening? Two words, followed, faintly audible: “I’m alone.”

Within a blur of dilemma, I felt the wish to sweep her up into my arms and prove how wrong she was. NO! The word shouted within but did not escape from my lips. Can’t you… Don’t you see? Open your eyes. Look. LOOK! Instantly, a rampage of arguments rose up in defiance and I pictured myself jumping up and down in a child-like fury for attention. I am here! I am HERE!! Sanity measured by deep compassion took over. “Wait” spoke the calm and gentle voice of trust that did guide me here. Maybe I could not let her know exactly what I frantically longed for her to affirm for me. Yes, although I wanted her to know that she was not alone, equally this was my own call to myself. She or I were not alone. Our only hope for escape was to join in this darkness through our company.

“Wait. Listen.” The words came again deeply prompting me to drop the frantic plot to convince her of our need for one another. Instead, the inner call asks me quietly to review her simple words. “I’m alone.” Yes, that is what she said. Why? Were these words a response to my question? Maybe she heard me in another way. I did ask who she was. Was she telling that her name was “Alone”? Taking this idea in, I stood not sure what to say next. Noticing that her crying had lessened with her response, typical etiquette just seemed to be the proper way to cut the silence between the sniffing: “I’m Pamela. Why are you here?”

Apparently, that was the wrong answer, for Alone once again began to bawl. Now with a greater fury, it was obvious that I said the wrong thing. “Are you blind?” she exclaimed, the words edging with anger. “Can’t you see? I am trapped in nothingness! There is nobody here! No one and nothing. Darkness is all there is. Empty! Forever!” Her crying rang out with a despondency of absolute fear and helplessness.

Well, she did have a point there! How could I be so insensitive? Looking around me, the evidence supporting her point of view was more than apparent. Shades of the initial terror and confusion slipped through my memory recalling my own immediate response to this place. How could I have not been more compassionate? Obviously, to her point of view, name or no name, she was alone and now through my own attempts to bring sense to the situation, I was alienating the one person who may be able to help. Sitting in regret for a second, an unexpected hint, glimmer of Light passed through my mind. On the other hand, was it the corner of my eye? Then it was gone. Wait. What was that? I… uh… whatever was going on here became unclear. Never mind, it is better that I apologize. Thinking to myself that it is already bad enough that I have no clue where I am or why I have been left to experience this moment, now it seems that I’ve managed to hurt a complete strangers feelings. What possibly could go wrong next????

Resting my own head back on my knees, I felt the full weight of depression, confusion, isolation and lament sink over me. Self-criticism spoke up: “Things are always better if you keep your stupid mouth shut!” Surely, I was in the same boat, who was I to try to cheer anyone else up? Inching away slowly, I turned the rest of my body away from Alone. There is no reason to go completely away. Ironically, I still needed her to help me realize who Alone was and who I was not. However, maybe it is better that I just be over here and worry about myself.

After a moment of sitting in the depth of silence between us, I took another chance: “Listen,” I said, stammering with my own uncertainty. Words edged nervously out of my mouth in both confession and repentance. “I’m sorry; I don’t mean to upset you, really. It is just that I do not know why I’m here either. I don’t even know where here is. One minute I’m feeling peaceful, was I surrounded with light? I do not know. Next, I am suddenly in this dark place without any idea about how or why. Is this hell? At just the moment when I am trying to figure things out, I heard you crying. To be honest, first I just thought I was going crazy. I really think this place can do that. Nevertheless, for whatever reason, some voice in my head seemed to say that it was better to find someone else than just stand in the dark. Yeah, none of this makes any sense. Light or darkness, I am just as confused and scared as you are, and cannot figure this place out.” Quickly, I clumsily scrambled to my feet. “Yeah, I’m sorry, maybe I should go… yeah… no more harm then… so… maybe I should just go… and find my own way. Okay. I am sorry. Really.” Quickly, I turned on my heels, and stumbled a bit. I still could hardly see a millimeter in front of my own eyes.

“No!!!” Alone’s one word was obviously a command. “You are the only one who I have ever seen here. You are the only one I have!!! You can’t go! You just can’t!!!” The fear trembled through her voice bordering on hysterics. Spoken with tightly restrained fury the words reminded me of a panicked animal. Then she slumped down even lower into the darkness. “Please… just… please…”

“Don’t go!”

Surprised, I spun around back towards her.

Her words beckoned again in quiet but hopeless persistence, “Please… don’t go. Don’t leave me.”

{CONTINUED in PART II)