Healing Alone part II

Not knowing what to say or what to do, my feet felt heavier than ever. They no longer magically lifted or pushed themselves, as they did on approach. Instead, now each foot stood deeply rooted in its spot, as if buried in age’s old cement. I stood there, waiting, as if the girl, Alone, was about to give me some other instruction. Silence. Staring at her, she did not even turn towards me or make any move that would validate my willingness to follow her pleads. In the pregnant pause, we both just tentatively hung in the nothingness. Time passed and soon I found myself crouched only inches away from her. The two of us oddly enough sat in quiet but isolated company, Alone and me. Words no longer did seem appropriate. Sure, several thoughts appeared within my mind, but with each one it was clear that I too was as equally confused as she. Any statement that I wanted to say was just an empty attempt to distract me from my own discomfort. Yes, it was better that I just sit here for a minute and watch without wanting anything from Alone or from me. Each second ticked by like an hour or perhaps two. Then, thank goodness, she decided to speak first.

“I don’t know how I got here either.” “I think I’m lost.”

My response of “How long have you been here?” seemed as empty as the thoughts filtering through my head. Time did not appear to exist here, or at least not in any normal measurement.

“I don’t know.” Silence again.

“Yeah, me neither.” Is this just going to be an eternity of distant but polite conversation?

“Do you remember the Light?”

Shocked, her question slapped me. I did not know what to say. The Light seemed more like a question than a memory. If anything, it was a far off reminiscence now, similar to a childhood daydream. Struggling, I tried to call it back into my mind. “Peace. Trust.” The words felt empty. My eyes tightened in frustration. “I think I felt someone there… but now it is more like a chain of words than memories. I’m sorry. What do you think of?”

“I can’t think of it. It just appears to me in my imagination. Sometimes I use the thoughts of the Light to keep me company.”

Yes, I sheepishly recognized this wish. Cling to anything, even those ideas that no logical mind can comprehend, just to keep yourself from sinking deeper into uncertainty. Grabbing for a connection like blind hands searching the space before me. How can I relate to this… this… this what is this? But what if Alone is right? What if the Light is just a dream? Just a fantasy? The thought of this possibility both terrified and stunned me. Well, was it ever really here? My mind stretched as far as it could go attempting to bring a clearer recollection to the experience of Light. Logically, I could not identify what seemed to be here or when here begun. To be honest, this entire experience felt like a dream, so maybe… maybe it was. Hearing these thoughts within me, I felt like darkened clouds were extinguishing any remnant of sunshine across a mountaintop. My head sunk down upon my knees like Alone. We were becoming mirror images of each other.

Alone spoke again. “I cry a lot when I imagine the Light. I want to be a part of it but do not know where to go. Although this time it was different, this time you were here.”

Part of me now wanted to bite back words at her, similar to how she had done before. I could sense the exasperation setting in. “But I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know if I’m supposed to help you, or maybe you are supposed to help me.”

With a quiet resolve, like a person accepting the unforgivable, Alone murmured almost inaudibly: “Don’t worry. No one can help me. Nobody loves me.”

“Oh come on. No wonder you feel alone.” I heard the words and wanted to kick myself for each one. How can that be helpful? Obviously, I was an idiot and just letting my own resentment for being here get the best of me. Alone’s head once again slumped deeper at the base of her shoulders and I heard her begin to cry softly. The thought of guilt immediately started to berate me in my own thinking and soon I felt the tears from my own cheeks fall upon my knees.

“Honestly!” I thought, “What does she really want from me? It is not as if anything is coming from this exchange. Yet, as I sat for a second perceiving my own disconnection and Alone’s desperation, I also saw how there was much more than just the two of us being here. There was what we were telling ourselves while we were here. “Yes.” The word’s authority shook me out of my own self-depreciation and remorse. Suddenly, my mind began to connect the dots between both of our two situations. Instantly, the clarity unfurled before me, like a key opening a great iron lock. I hated myself for being here and not getting any help from Alone. Alone hated herself for being here and did not know how or where to begin accepting help. I felt trapped in the misunderstanding between us and insulted myself each time I tried to help. Alone felt unloved and clung to her story as a distorted comforter. In judging myself, I was just as alone inside as Alone felt on the outside. As the darkness surrounded us both, we were also giving it full permission to consume us within. No! I thought both angrily and rebelliously. I am not going to let this darkness, whatever it is, win. I do not want to fight it and I do not want to fight me. I just want to remember the peace again. “Yes.” Again, the authority of the word repeated itself as I stepped aside from saying or doing anything. This is not going to work with my words. Nothing here is going to happen with us just passing the time and letting what is outside also perversely control us within. No matter where we were, the stories that we told within our heads were just as important as the company was. In fact, the words within were significantly more important. “Yes,” now I said, focusing only at the words and beliefs within myself. “The Light does exist. I give the darkness over.”

At that very moment, I felt a heated passion rise up through me. Different from a fury of anger, this was fervor of inspiration. This time the words coming from my mouth caught me off guard. Preacher, teacher, cheerleader, mother, guide, and friend the message was speaking to both of us:

“Listen. No really! You cannot possibly believe that. I will not let you. Even if you are alone, there is always love somewhere. Let us try to cling to it. I am here. You are here. Both of us being here cannot fix this situation unless we also begin to look at exactly what we are telling ourselves. Being alone is more than just what is happening on the outside, it really is all that we say on the inside. Nothing on the outside can take hold unless we grab it and give every idea over.”

Alone sat across from me without saying a word. Although she never did turn to face me, I could tell that she was listening. Her crying had stopped and she was giving me the space to continue. I recognized how some of what I was saying sounded like a platitude soaked pep talk. Nevertheless, I knew that as I listened to the words, I was telling myself exactly what I did need to remember. Through these words, I was giving myself the opportunity to listen. Maybe calling a statement “a platitude” is just another form of self-denial. Okay, well, who cares? I needed to hear these words and so I continued to surrender myself over to each single one.

“You say you know about the Light, Yes? Well, we need to remember it rather than pretend as if it is not important or nonexistent. You cry when you think of the Light. That is great. Do you see? Even as you both mourn and use it for yourself, this is a connection! You cannot believe in what you do not connect with and you cannot connect with what you do not believe in. Perhaps our experience here is all about what we give our attention. I could tell you that you are not alone. However, that will not be enough, because I feel the darkness too and its existence feels just as empty to me. Just because we are here does not mean that you or me are the darkness. I understand how you cannot see here. I cannot see here. Nevertheless, one thing I can see is that the words we use reflect exactly what we see. This darkness is showing us what we desire rather than who we are. I know what it is like to both hate the situation you are in and think that you can fix it through some story you tell yourself about the outside or about yourself. One thing is certain though, we cannot figure out the darkness with the darkness. To do so is insane.” I felt myself need to take a breath. The words were pouring forth so uncontrollably that I could not keep an exact account of all that I was faithfully saying. Nonetheless, the sullenness that once weighed immobile upon me was no longer perceivable. I felt myself lifted by the words, although each one did not come from me.

“Us being here is completely bizarre. I cannot begin to understand it. Maybe the darkness of this place just wants to torture us here. I do not know. I am not certain of much in this dark place. It is hard to see anything here. However, telling yourself that you are without any love or me feeling guilty, saying that I am an idiot or a failure is … just … making … it … worse!” Nearly collapsing from the monologue, I could barely begin to believe mystifyingly what just came through me. Nonetheless, I watched Alone for any hint of movement. None. Okay. I thought. There is nothing else left to be said. Now we wait.

Watching with intrigue, I still did not know what to say or do. At that moment, watching seemed to be the most appropriate response, and so it was. My plans and uncertainties were not going to show us the way out of here. Yes, let us just stop trying to talk and just simply be here, now. I had to wait patiently with her as if our very survival depended upon both of us being here. Not just for the companionship, but most importantly for the reminder, that only I was fully responsible for abandoning my self. Surely, I could not abandon Alone. I had to stay with her. I had to stay with me. Perhaps that was the only reason why I was here. Soon I felt the trimmings of fear rise again. What if I was doomed to be here, lost with her, until the end of time? What if I too never found my way home and remained huddled next to Alone lost in my own version of this nightmare for eternity?? What then? No! I realized, I could not go there. Damn the story! Discipline for the Light. “Rest here, not in the fear. Fear is not here.” I repeated the words both within and to Alone. Maybe she heard me, or maybe not, no matter. Listening, loving whatever arose, and letting go by patiently waiting would be all I could dedicate my mind and being to. It must be the only way. I cannot let my mind consume itself by that fear. With that awareness, I took a deep breath in and inched slightly closer to Alone but not close enough to scare her. Although there was still a good two inches between us, I wanted only to show her how I was resolutely determined to be with her so that she knew that I was willing to stay. Love just is.

“I’m sorry that I can’t be more help to you. However, even if I cannot help, I have decided not to leave. Honestly, I still do not know why I am here, but I also know that I cannot leave you. You say that nobody loves you, and although I do not know exactly the right words, perhaps the best thing I can do is show you that I do. To me, this is Love and for now, this is all that matters.”

After saying my peace, I wasn’t sure if I should now be waiting for some response from Alone. Looking in her direction, I smiled, reaching out the best awareness of Love that I could imagine to extend. Although Alone’s face was still not looking at me, it seemed that the best gift I could give in the moment was my own willingness to simply be with Alone no matter what. Yes, this was love and this love was genuinely what I desired more than any other wish. Focusing on this love over any other experience either in my mind or surrounding my body, was all I could be right now. “Love was all I can be for both Alone and me.” Silently, I began to focus on these words like a Vedic mantra. No longer could I restrain the motherly instinct and the urges to reach forward, holding Alone in my arms won over the concerns of my mind. No matter what, I wanted Alone to know she was loved.

It was only when my fingers flattened against the surface of the cold hard glass that I began to figure out what was going on. Spinning filled my mind with confusion and amazement. “No, it can’t be… how? Why? This is impossible…. it can’t be…. But…” the thoughts swam through faster than I could catch them. The glass that rested against my fingertips made the whole story clear, but unbelievable. The person, the child, the girl with whom I had been having what seemed hours of conversation, now, at last, revealed her face. Astonishingly, I suddenly saw all that I had been hiding from myself from the beginning of this experience. Alone was not there. She was not separate, she was not even a person… she was me.

Eye to eye, face to face we looked at each other. No, we only looked at our one self. Her eyes met my own and a gentleness of clarity, comfort, and peace reflected from within the images. Suddenly light shockingly exploded between the mirror and our surroundings. Shards of what should have been glass rained down as sparkles of Light and the memory, no, the reality of Heaven revealed its full Self once again. Looking both forward into the eyes of Alone, me, The Light expanded so rapidly that there was not even a hint of darkness remaining. Instantly, the emptiness that seemed so real was completely gone. My eyes wide, my heart open, my Self soaring in complete jubilation; swiftly I could remember all the Love and Truth that a second ago once seemed to be nothingness. However, was it nothingness? Was it anything? Did I ever leave this Light? I felt a nearly electric energy soar through me. It offered tiny glimpses of what appeared to have been so real only a moment ago, but each second bestowed a greater dissolving into Light. Was I dreaming? What defined the dream and what existed as the reality of now felt perplexing. Yet in this space, Love was certain. The more I opened my eyes to this reality, Light showed clear all around me. Consequently, the more the brief perceptual hints of nothingness faded like mists before the sun.

The girl was still in front of me. She looked directly at me, through me, but wait her eyes… her eyes were stunning! The sparkled and related so much more than my own. In this realization, all I could do was stare, consumed. Next, as I stood hypnotically watching, her face began to change. It morphed from form to Light and then to, ahhh wait, yes… it all finally makes sense! Watching this transformation before my eyes amplified the feelings of unfathomable connection and reverential Love. The face of my Beloved Guide, my friend, the One who welcomed me here and spoke the words of encouragement and authority stood across from me. Looking now, not just with my eyes, but also within, beneath the image, within his eyes, there was He… me … us. He or shall I say we smiled a joyful smile that seemed to come not only from our expression, but also from the Light itself. With this final realization, my guide winked, His eyes twinkled in delight.

“I love you too.”

Embracing, arm and arm, I felt our heart be joy with us. His eyes took hold of me: “What do you know now?”

The question brought me back to a point of boundless observation. I saw the story. I saw myself. I saw Alone. I saw us all together like a fourth-dimensional holographic movie dispensing upon my inner eye. Hearing every word said, there was no fear in the story, but instead all I could feel was the loving intention, brilliantly returning to me point after point. I saw the choice for listening above fear. I saw the willingness to surrender. I once again heard myself refuse to tell any more lies feeding the deceit of the darkness albeit the darkness seemed nothing but flat emptiness in this review. The inner film wrapped up almost as soon as it began and I could hear myself clearly realizing the purpose. Looking at my Guide, I spoke it from this sense of revelation: “Alone is nothing but a state of mind born from our defined self within it.” Awesomely, I noticed how as I spoke the words each became brilliantly colored fractals of Light and lifted up into a glimmering continuance of crystalline likeness. My Guide said nothing, but his eyes followed my own in wonder and agreement. I continued: “Alone is only a mirror. It has no depth. No matter the words or visions, it only shows us exactly what we wish to see. Never can it be real.”

In this, the Light exploded all about us and all I knew was the joy of one existence. This moment had only continuance, echoes of pure being. Here we were, we are, healing alone, all one with the wholeness of transparent Light that reigned heavily through our surroundings now. Effervescently this Light continually moved through me, became me, and extended beyond me. Here was I. I am here beyond any thought of being alone which was or ever could be. Surely, yes, alone was a dream and I am as God Created Me. “Yes, My Beloved. Now you know.”