What do I know?
I know nothing.
What do I see?
I see nothing.
Who am I?
No one, but every One.
I often find myself sitting within the stew of struggle. This inner stew cooks my mind until it is tough. In this toughness, I believe myself to be over done with frustration. I believe myself to be lost and drowning in uncertainty. But what is that? What is uncertainty other than mere distraction? The stories that our thoughts keep spinning, bubbling, bumbling and boiling leave us over-heated, exhausted with our own confusion. Okay, let me just look at me, with my mind. The stories leave me overheated, with boils of self-hatred, sensitive to the touch and scorched with scorn. But why? Why do I feel the need to cook myself in the first place?
Recently Spirit told me that our attraction to the ego is so sincere because it speaks our language. Sit with that idea just for a moment. The ego speaks our language. Part of me resists that idea very strongly. I want to fight that idea and refuse it. How can the ego speak my language? Isn’t the ego the devil? I should be apart from it! Right? Are not the spiritual teachings telling me that I should be in another place from ego’s familiarities? How can it speak my language? I want to refute that idea because I do not want to see myself residing in the country of the ego. I do not want to be a native of ego-land.
Nevertheless, can you hear what I hear? I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not only a card-carrying resident in good standing of ego-land, but I am a member of ego’s very own family! Argh! How can that be?! I hold my hands up to the sky in a combination of opposition and surrender. Never! Surely, I say this with my mind, tightly closing my eyes pretending not to feel ego’s light taps upon my shoulder. “I’m heeeerrrrree!” it says, reminding me of Carrie-Ann’s eerie forewarning from the movie Poltergeist. He follows his sly greeting with the usual inner monologue of justified judgments and manifesto of self-control. Yet again, I listen like a mesmerized devotee. Yes, I am ego’s father, mother, sister, brother, friend and beloved. It is from this realization that the battle ensues, “Yes!” “No!” “Listen!” “Ignore.” “I want!” “No need.” Sigh. Truly, what is the point? I would rather see myself so significantly apart from ego, in a space of ultimate peace and understanding. The home I wish to inhabit is one where the ego can only exist so far off that I could not even begin to chart his scent with the best bloodhounds on earth. Yes, I want ego to be untraceable, but then I listen. The listening is not the taming of the bloodhounds, the listening is the realizing that I enjoy ego’s words and lavish myself in its song.
So what do I do now? Is there any hope once you realize that you are the only one responsible for all the insanity in your own thinking mind? Yes, inconceivable to our consciousness, this is actually the first sign of hope. Here, when we finally recognize our intimate wish to devote ourselves to the ego’s plans, we finally stop playing victim. In this moment we walk on from self-deception. There is only one story that solely supports our confusion. This story is the pretense that says the ego overpowers us and is guilty for all our sufferings. Yes, the good news is that the ego is NOT responsible for all our sufferings, and neither are we!
Blame will take you nowhere. I would rather be now, here. Guilt is always a chronicle of time. It tells you all that you never did have nor ever will be. You cannot have its story without investing in separation. Ah, yes, more metaphysical platitudes. I know that rolling of the eyes look because I have done it a myriad of times myself. Nonetheless, the term “platitudes” essentially is only a refusal to accept the truth of who you are. As you claim “platitudes” you only are saying, “I am not worthy to be this statement and all its fancy schmaltzy sickly promises. I would rather have my way of suffering!” Okay, so be it. Have your suffering. However, what is the point of that story?
Surely, you are right when you say that you have indeed bent over backwards for peace. You are right when you recognize inner exhaustion from always having to “give, give, give” another thought, another idea, another need, on the altar of surrender. However, if you are exhausted from giving, it may be useful to ask yourself if you were really giving anything over in Truth? Sacrifice has the air of exhaustion about it, not surrender. Nonetheless, you still think that it is appropriate to finally be able to keep one fixation in honor of the self you want to be. So what will you decide to keep? Will you keep judgment? Perhaps you would rather savor the feelings of unworthiness. No? Just plain browbeating is not good enough for you? Okay, then maybe you want your victimhood too. Proceed. Take that load. Feel the heaviness of the claim to need a body. Pile on the drama and all the witnesses telling you how all can manipulate, destroy, and abandon you. Come on, beloved, there are multitudes of wonderful stories that you can hold onto with a death grip. Do not fool yourself. Enter upon the stage with eyes wide open. Prepare for your death scene because all ideal performances must have a well-rehearsed climax and dénouement. Peace will wait no matter what your decision. Love and devotion to your true Self will unchangeably exist no matter what wishes you use to prolong your affliction.
Now, it appears that I have once again allowed myself to be distracted through believing that there is someone else out there. Truly, I am only teaching myself. Here, in spite of all the recitation of truths ad nauseam, the only peace existing is beyond the words. Therefore, let me not spin more yarns of verbal webs no matter how metaphysically accurate. May I instead relay a practical application from the small potatoes of my life experience?
Today, I caught myself listening to the ego several times. First, I heard the account from Specialness: “Today is your birthday, you should be celebrated. You should enjoy this day to its fullest measure in honor of you.” The Judge, then characteristically threw excrement around to all: “Those bastards! You were not recognized enough.” Then, I heard “Spiritual ego”: “Ah, yes, overlook his or her mere mistakes. Let us renounce the birthday, for You are far more than just a moment of time… but it would be nice if… NO! I am above these meager offerings to the body!” Finally, the Piece de résistance did find much appreciation from “The Victim”: “All alone… you are all alone.” Upon hearing each tale, I felt myself split between feeling used, abused, and confused. These are the muddy footprints of the ego dance. Surely, feeling yourself forgotten on your birthday is really nothing, it is not important in comparison to the significantly more intense devastations such as death, dismemberment, etc. However, as mentioned in A Course in Miracles, “there are no small upsets; each is equally disturbing to our peace of mind.” Therefore, it is appropriate to begin our healing with life’s small potatoes rather than jump into the hot oil and try to unfry the fritters. I exemplify the birthday because it is a tiny idol that our culture accepts as valuable.
Personally, I had to take a good look at the stories attached to this idol and how each did inflict suffering. How do I know they inflicted suffering? Because I was not at peace. Therefore, I took a moment to ask within, “What would peace look like here?” The answer I received was surprising: “Peace would resemble peace.” Well, duh! Maybe I am still hoping to receive an answer that resembles my plans and wishes. No matter, my jousting with Spirit rarely has me arrive anywhere productive. So, okay, peace resembles peace. I take it that this means that peace does not have a plan nor does it even desire any wish apart from accepting all that God sees as wholly Truth. Hmm... maybe he has something there?! If I was to accept peace, then, I wouldn't need an idol or a plan... and maybe our plans are really idols in disguise. Another hmm...
The point that Spirit makes is that in our chosen idols we overlook acceptance. We are not living in the now, but we are instead living in ideas of what should or could be. With the idea of my birthday, I was placing myself in ideas of what should or could be and this alone was keeping me lost in feelings of loss and listening to the ego’s language. Spirit’s job essentially is to translate the ego’s language from one of confusion to one of peace. He does not use his own language because we are not ready. Nor does he disrespect our account, for this would induce fear. Instead, He uses the ego’s language by trusting our comfort zone, fully accepting where we are, as we perceive it and then seeking only to pour the light of love upon it. Our peace arises through the realization that we can look into the ego’s voice and observe its wishes. In our willingness to purely listen to the ego's wishes without judgment we stumble upon a more viable option. Please note, we do not find the viable option in averting or discounting the ego. We find peace in recognizing that we successfully transform the call for love by the offer of love. In this objective listening we give the ego respect. Which, by the way, the word "respect" is broken down into the components "again" and "to see." Therefore, if we listen to the ego without judgment, we have the opportunity to see ourselves, our True Self, again.
Now, back to the birthday issue. What was the call for love here? There were a few. First, there was the call echoing out into the vastness from my vulnerable belief system. You cannot have this without a belief in separation from God. Next, the call sought witnesses affirming my need to be valuable in my individual life experience. This call asked for those around me to affirm me through the traditional cards, gifts and phone calls of appreciation. With these objects and behaviors, I would perceive how others symbolically and literally did prize my life (funny how we give so much power to these tiny little trinkets... defining ourselves by toys rather than triumphs). Lastly, I was asking for a wish of worthiness from me. I did not want to feel alone or unworthy to me. I wanted to feel special, because if I did not, then the only questions left to ask were: "What was my purpose?" and "Who was I?" Hence, without self-appreciation the scene for ego-death is set. Yes, “there are no small upsets; each is equally disturbing to our peace of mind,” and in that disruption we only find how we repeatedly define the Holiness of God by emptiness.
In summary, it is best to say that we listen to the ego because we recognize what we see. See what you wish to see, hear what you wish to hear, but never can you truly be any bit less Holy. For me, I see how with a belief in emptiness, I only find more emptiness. I see how I ask to define myself by tiny idols and useless trinkets, rather than seeing myself in the grandeur of God Himself. Nevertheless, no matter how much emptiness it seems I find the depth of the pit in my thinking cannot dare to compare with the awe known in the expansion of Truth. Likewise, with a reaffirmation of this Holiness, we can only realize all the Truth that God blesses upon us. No, this is not distraction by diatribe. It is truth in testimony.
By the way, this Holiness is never tested nor is it tangential. That idea is also another ego-suggestion, which we use to berate ourselves into thoughts of “what if” and “why?” The Holiness of our Self exists always, no matter what story we choose to spin within our own inner-insanity. Play as much as you would like with your ideas and idols. Never are you blamed and never can you fail. Sit with this thought for a bit and recognize exactly what it is saying to the inner recesses of your imagination. Not once does blame or failure enter into the eternal realm of Truth. Soak this in with all the Holiness you can muster now and be at peace. Accept all the stories your ego is telling you and offer them nothing but love because you hear now who You are and how there is not ever any guilt or condemnation beyond your dreams. You are love its Self, even beyond the lands unto which you play.
Overall, be proud of your choice to play in ego-land. Yes, you heard that correctly. Remember, judgment has no value here. The pride that I speak of is in honor of the freedom that God’s gives in constant support for His Holiness. In your humble pride, you no longer claim yourself to be a victim of your dreams, nor do you linger in shadows wondering why or when you will finally do what is right enough to release yourself. Instead, you and I, in complete humility, use these stories to help us appreciate and rest in our freedom and peace. Here we accept our Self as God knows and use our love for our stories to bestow love to and beyond our stories. Therefore, here, we translate the language of the ego into the language of love and simply be as God Created. This is peace, without another word.
I know nothing.
What do I see?
I see nothing.
Who am I?
No one, but every One.
I often find myself sitting within the stew of struggle. This inner stew cooks my mind until it is tough. In this toughness, I believe myself to be over done with frustration. I believe myself to be lost and drowning in uncertainty. But what is that? What is uncertainty other than mere distraction? The stories that our thoughts keep spinning, bubbling, bumbling and boiling leave us over-heated, exhausted with our own confusion. Okay, let me just look at me, with my mind. The stories leave me overheated, with boils of self-hatred, sensitive to the touch and scorched with scorn. But why? Why do I feel the need to cook myself in the first place?
Recently Spirit told me that our attraction to the ego is so sincere because it speaks our language. Sit with that idea just for a moment. The ego speaks our language. Part of me resists that idea very strongly. I want to fight that idea and refuse it. How can the ego speak my language? Isn’t the ego the devil? I should be apart from it! Right? Are not the spiritual teachings telling me that I should be in another place from ego’s familiarities? How can it speak my language? I want to refute that idea because I do not want to see myself residing in the country of the ego. I do not want to be a native of ego-land.
Nevertheless, can you hear what I hear? I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not only a card-carrying resident in good standing of ego-land, but I am a member of ego’s very own family! Argh! How can that be?! I hold my hands up to the sky in a combination of opposition and surrender. Never! Surely, I say this with my mind, tightly closing my eyes pretending not to feel ego’s light taps upon my shoulder. “I’m heeeerrrrree!” it says, reminding me of Carrie-Ann’s eerie forewarning from the movie Poltergeist. He follows his sly greeting with the usual inner monologue of justified judgments and manifesto of self-control. Yet again, I listen like a mesmerized devotee. Yes, I am ego’s father, mother, sister, brother, friend and beloved. It is from this realization that the battle ensues, “Yes!” “No!” “Listen!” “Ignore.” “I want!” “No need.” Sigh. Truly, what is the point? I would rather see myself so significantly apart from ego, in a space of ultimate peace and understanding. The home I wish to inhabit is one where the ego can only exist so far off that I could not even begin to chart his scent with the best bloodhounds on earth. Yes, I want ego to be untraceable, but then I listen. The listening is not the taming of the bloodhounds, the listening is the realizing that I enjoy ego’s words and lavish myself in its song.
So what do I do now? Is there any hope once you realize that you are the only one responsible for all the insanity in your own thinking mind? Yes, inconceivable to our consciousness, this is actually the first sign of hope. Here, when we finally recognize our intimate wish to devote ourselves to the ego’s plans, we finally stop playing victim. In this moment we walk on from self-deception. There is only one story that solely supports our confusion. This story is the pretense that says the ego overpowers us and is guilty for all our sufferings. Yes, the good news is that the ego is NOT responsible for all our sufferings, and neither are we!
Blame will take you nowhere. I would rather be now, here. Guilt is always a chronicle of time. It tells you all that you never did have nor ever will be. You cannot have its story without investing in separation. Ah, yes, more metaphysical platitudes. I know that rolling of the eyes look because I have done it a myriad of times myself. Nonetheless, the term “platitudes” essentially is only a refusal to accept the truth of who you are. As you claim “platitudes” you only are saying, “I am not worthy to be this statement and all its fancy schmaltzy sickly promises. I would rather have my way of suffering!” Okay, so be it. Have your suffering. However, what is the point of that story?
Surely, you are right when you say that you have indeed bent over backwards for peace. You are right when you recognize inner exhaustion from always having to “give, give, give” another thought, another idea, another need, on the altar of surrender. However, if you are exhausted from giving, it may be useful to ask yourself if you were really giving anything over in Truth? Sacrifice has the air of exhaustion about it, not surrender. Nonetheless, you still think that it is appropriate to finally be able to keep one fixation in honor of the self you want to be. So what will you decide to keep? Will you keep judgment? Perhaps you would rather savor the feelings of unworthiness. No? Just plain browbeating is not good enough for you? Okay, then maybe you want your victimhood too. Proceed. Take that load. Feel the heaviness of the claim to need a body. Pile on the drama and all the witnesses telling you how all can manipulate, destroy, and abandon you. Come on, beloved, there are multitudes of wonderful stories that you can hold onto with a death grip. Do not fool yourself. Enter upon the stage with eyes wide open. Prepare for your death scene because all ideal performances must have a well-rehearsed climax and dénouement. Peace will wait no matter what your decision. Love and devotion to your true Self will unchangeably exist no matter what wishes you use to prolong your affliction.
Now, it appears that I have once again allowed myself to be distracted through believing that there is someone else out there. Truly, I am only teaching myself. Here, in spite of all the recitation of truths ad nauseam, the only peace existing is beyond the words. Therefore, let me not spin more yarns of verbal webs no matter how metaphysically accurate. May I instead relay a practical application from the small potatoes of my life experience?
Today, I caught myself listening to the ego several times. First, I heard the account from Specialness: “Today is your birthday, you should be celebrated. You should enjoy this day to its fullest measure in honor of you.” The Judge, then characteristically threw excrement around to all: “Those bastards! You were not recognized enough.” Then, I heard “Spiritual ego”: “Ah, yes, overlook his or her mere mistakes. Let us renounce the birthday, for You are far more than just a moment of time… but it would be nice if… NO! I am above these meager offerings to the body!” Finally, the Piece de résistance did find much appreciation from “The Victim”: “All alone… you are all alone.” Upon hearing each tale, I felt myself split between feeling used, abused, and confused. These are the muddy footprints of the ego dance. Surely, feeling yourself forgotten on your birthday is really nothing, it is not important in comparison to the significantly more intense devastations such as death, dismemberment, etc. However, as mentioned in A Course in Miracles, “there are no small upsets; each is equally disturbing to our peace of mind.” Therefore, it is appropriate to begin our healing with life’s small potatoes rather than jump into the hot oil and try to unfry the fritters. I exemplify the birthday because it is a tiny idol that our culture accepts as valuable.
Personally, I had to take a good look at the stories attached to this idol and how each did inflict suffering. How do I know they inflicted suffering? Because I was not at peace. Therefore, I took a moment to ask within, “What would peace look like here?” The answer I received was surprising: “Peace would resemble peace.” Well, duh! Maybe I am still hoping to receive an answer that resembles my plans and wishes. No matter, my jousting with Spirit rarely has me arrive anywhere productive. So, okay, peace resembles peace. I take it that this means that peace does not have a plan nor does it even desire any wish apart from accepting all that God sees as wholly Truth. Hmm... maybe he has something there?! If I was to accept peace, then, I wouldn't need an idol or a plan... and maybe our plans are really idols in disguise. Another hmm...
The point that Spirit makes is that in our chosen idols we overlook acceptance. We are not living in the now, but we are instead living in ideas of what should or could be. With the idea of my birthday, I was placing myself in ideas of what should or could be and this alone was keeping me lost in feelings of loss and listening to the ego’s language. Spirit’s job essentially is to translate the ego’s language from one of confusion to one of peace. He does not use his own language because we are not ready. Nor does he disrespect our account, for this would induce fear. Instead, He uses the ego’s language by trusting our comfort zone, fully accepting where we are, as we perceive it and then seeking only to pour the light of love upon it. Our peace arises through the realization that we can look into the ego’s voice and observe its wishes. In our willingness to purely listen to the ego's wishes without judgment we stumble upon a more viable option. Please note, we do not find the viable option in averting or discounting the ego. We find peace in recognizing that we successfully transform the call for love by the offer of love. In this objective listening we give the ego respect. Which, by the way, the word "respect" is broken down into the components "again" and "to see." Therefore, if we listen to the ego without judgment, we have the opportunity to see ourselves, our True Self, again.
Now, back to the birthday issue. What was the call for love here? There were a few. First, there was the call echoing out into the vastness from my vulnerable belief system. You cannot have this without a belief in separation from God. Next, the call sought witnesses affirming my need to be valuable in my individual life experience. This call asked for those around me to affirm me through the traditional cards, gifts and phone calls of appreciation. With these objects and behaviors, I would perceive how others symbolically and literally did prize my life (funny how we give so much power to these tiny little trinkets... defining ourselves by toys rather than triumphs). Lastly, I was asking for a wish of worthiness from me. I did not want to feel alone or unworthy to me. I wanted to feel special, because if I did not, then the only questions left to ask were: "What was my purpose?" and "Who was I?" Hence, without self-appreciation the scene for ego-death is set. Yes, “there are no small upsets; each is equally disturbing to our peace of mind,” and in that disruption we only find how we repeatedly define the Holiness of God by emptiness.
In summary, it is best to say that we listen to the ego because we recognize what we see. See what you wish to see, hear what you wish to hear, but never can you truly be any bit less Holy. For me, I see how with a belief in emptiness, I only find more emptiness. I see how I ask to define myself by tiny idols and useless trinkets, rather than seeing myself in the grandeur of God Himself. Nevertheless, no matter how much emptiness it seems I find the depth of the pit in my thinking cannot dare to compare with the awe known in the expansion of Truth. Likewise, with a reaffirmation of this Holiness, we can only realize all the Truth that God blesses upon us. No, this is not distraction by diatribe. It is truth in testimony.
By the way, this Holiness is never tested nor is it tangential. That idea is also another ego-suggestion, which we use to berate ourselves into thoughts of “what if” and “why?” The Holiness of our Self exists always, no matter what story we choose to spin within our own inner-insanity. Play as much as you would like with your ideas and idols. Never are you blamed and never can you fail. Sit with this thought for a bit and recognize exactly what it is saying to the inner recesses of your imagination. Not once does blame or failure enter into the eternal realm of Truth. Soak this in with all the Holiness you can muster now and be at peace. Accept all the stories your ego is telling you and offer them nothing but love because you hear now who You are and how there is not ever any guilt or condemnation beyond your dreams. You are love its Self, even beyond the lands unto which you play.
Overall, be proud of your choice to play in ego-land. Yes, you heard that correctly. Remember, judgment has no value here. The pride that I speak of is in honor of the freedom that God’s gives in constant support for His Holiness. In your humble pride, you no longer claim yourself to be a victim of your dreams, nor do you linger in shadows wondering why or when you will finally do what is right enough to release yourself. Instead, you and I, in complete humility, use these stories to help us appreciate and rest in our freedom and peace. Here we accept our Self as God knows and use our love for our stories to bestow love to and beyond our stories. Therefore, here, we translate the language of the ego into the language of love and simply be as God Created. This is peace, without another word.
1 comments:
Hu Pamela,
We are all citizens of egoland, and this is by design.
If you want to understand this better, try www.perceivingreality.com. Start following the string, be patient, and I hope you get some light...
Post a Comment