Chocolates Upon My Pillow

How often have you heard life’s pacemaker in the depth of the night? Tick … tick … tick. The clock’s counting of time draws out second by second and you lay awake in bed wondering when your own worries will fade into the nighttime sky. Why is it that our abstract thinking-minds madly unleash the instant our heads hit the pillow? Desperately, although we yearn for a brief rest from the weary world, now amidst the still night, it seems we can only hold a vigil to the worries within. The word “worry,” when literally defined from its Old English origins means, “to strangle;” and quite truly is this not what the feeling resembles, especially in those midnight hours?

Oh, but wait… as a student of spirituality you don’t fall prey to worry, right?! If you actively choose to be cognizant of the ego’s manipulations and vigilant in your practice, all potential for such incidents will be eliminated? Is that not one reason you originally felt attracted to spiritual wisdom? With it, you surmised, you’d be saved from the temptations to suffer from life’s challenges. Now, as a dedicated student of spiritual awareness, you feel like you should have surpassed these temptations long ago. Actually, the answer is no.

It is natural to show the full spectrum of negative and positive emotions. Anger, stress, worry and sadness, all of these emotions exist as long as we reside within this experience called human beingness. There will not be a moment where the existence of human emotions will cease to exist as long as you appear to hold meeting with the body form. This is true no matter how spiritually adept you are. However, human beingness need not be a struggle. The point of spirituality was not to guilt you into denying your body form or turning a deaf ear to its mantras. God has always blessed His Son’s freedom. He has never asked for the restriction of His Holiness, neither in form or judgment. Therefore, as a student of spirituality, when you find yourself experiencing the full spectrum of human identification, it is essential to love yourself for all you can experience.

Love of ones Self is always the key to peace of mind. A Course in Miracles teaches that “fear arises from lack of love” and that “perfect love cast out fear. If fear exists, there is not perfect love.” Does this mean that if you are experiencing fear, you should mentally chastise yourself for not choosing perfect love? Absolutely not. Perfect Love exists within the realms of perfect love. This realm is always existing whether you are able to align yourself with its existence or not. If you are identifying yourself with anything that seems incomplete and not wholly communicating with God Himself, then you are not aligning with perfect love. For the most part, this means that any experience within the world or body is NOT perfect love. To realize this fact and be perfectly accepting of it is forgiveness. The practice of forgiveness is the goal of spirituality. Self-debasement is not. Okay, so you feel an attraction to and affection for human existence? Great, now let this attraction guide you to a deeper knowing rather than a more insidious denial.

We have the opportunity to love or fear for every experience within our human existence. When I speak of love, I’m not speaking of a special or dependent love, for that kind of “love” is really a sense of fear in disguise. We can always recognize the difference between special love and holy love by the ripples it leaves in the water. Special love always ripples with “what ifs” and “I needs.” These ripples resist their very own dance and seek to control it, fearing where the wind may take them next. Alternatively, Holy Love only says “I am.” It is always in peaceful worship of the moment. Here it flows in appreciation and nonattachment, enrapturing itself around every moment. Holy Love immerses itself with trust and perfect peace. Consequently, although the wind may blow, the waters of Holy Love remain still and calm, flowing no different than the dance that for which they currently accept for themselves. No, the waters of Holy Love do not reject, resist or judge the dance, they simply flow.

Let’s put this awareness in practical application. Right now, I can love the fact that I’m sitting here, writing these words, while house-sitting my friend’s mansion. The house is easily twenty times the size of my own, with a swimming pool, hot tub, billiards, gym and all the accoutrements of luxury. I can love the fact that I am here, lounging by the pool or watching the super enormous HDTV. Yes, I can love this experience without feeling like I should deny its appreciation because of the refugees in Darfur or condemning the very possibility of this experience because of our out of control materialistic and capitalistic society. Does this mean that I’m heartless? Possibly, to the ego mind who only wishes to condemn or make special. In fact there would be many ways that the ego would judge this moment both for its own good and denial. All of these thoughts would be praying to the god of guilt rather than peace. Yet, if I was to ask to see this moment with love rather than guilt I would not reject, judge or resist this moment. If I were to seek love, I would accept the benefits of this moment without fearing its loss or interpreting its existence. If I were to love this moment, I would appreciate the fact that I am here right now, however, I would also be okay if I was someplace else. And so, with love, I walk in gratitude for all symbols and freedoms of and beyond form. I don’t guilt myself for floating peacefully in the pool, but I lavish myself in the moment to find stillness, accepting its blessing without judgment.

If it is perfectly accepting to love the luxuries of life without guilt, it is also possible to do the same for the more difficult aspects of human existence. Let’s take the experience of depression for instance. The very experience of depression does not exist within the realms of God. However, He has blessed His Holiness with complete freedom to experience all he or she would now wish for through dreams. Therefore, with this in mind, the experience of depression can be seen as a blessing from God. If I wee to ask God about depression from this standpoint, I’m sure He would say:

“Beloved One, I have given you the freedom to experience all you wish. Consequently, if you wish for the denial of your Self and the judgment of all you deny, well then so it is. However, I still know the Truth of Who You Are. Dream your little dream, but stand true with me as always in awakening.”

With this we can see how love extends love without boundaries, because boundaries only exist within fear. And so, as I allow myself to accept my True limitlessness and freedom, no matter what the outer worldly or inward human condition, I can learn to appreciate the choices for love or fear, realizing that despite appearances truth and freedom remain eternal. All in all, I can dream of the choice, appreciate the dream and live in peace.

Okay, so as you lie awake and listen to the metronome of the night, is it possible to truly love yourself for being human? Is it possible to appreciate this moment of fear that you have available to you, in turn accepting that it is not as real as your mind wishes to make it? Furthermore, is it possible to love the body, good and bad equally? Can I love the fat and cellulite, the health and disease, the gracefulness and disability? Overall can I love myself for choosing the ego as well as enjoying this ride? Yes, yes, yes and yes. Not only is this possible but it is preferable.

Jesus asks us numerous times in A Course in Miracles to free ourselves from judgment. This includes the judgment we use to build ourselves up as well as hold ourselves down. Judgment differs from love by the dependency it will always affirm. Allow yourself to willingly love the choices that you are able to make and then free yourself from the bondage of judgment. Love the fact that you can be joyful and depressed. Embrace these experiences with an openness to bless the human dream and appreciate God’s bountiful limitlessness praised upon His Son.

As a student of spirituality you do have one idea correct: the practice of spirituality awakens you to the full gamut of the ego’s manipulations. Wonderful! But now that you have become aware it is best to accept the pathway with forgiveness and grace. Now that you walk the track seeing the train, seek not to foolishly whip out a sword in good swashbuckling style. Trust me, this won’t protect you from being squished. Better yet, allow yourself to gracefully stand aside, lovingly watch the train fly by. Feel the wind through your hair and the dirt kick up from the rails and then let yourself soak in the stillness arising from its departure.

A Course in Miracles teaches us that we “are never upset for the reason we think,” but it does not tell us that we are never to be upset. Not once does the author of The Course scold us for feeling angry, hurt or worried. Perhaps we are not upset because of circumstances within the world, but merely because of our free choice to see ourselves as limited and invest in this dream. With this in mind, I can see that I always have a choice to be gentle with myself and my thinking, because I can simply turn from a condemning state of mind to a grateful one.

In summary, the conditions you think that are ruling your life, only rule your mind. This is the good news. It is essential to our own peace of mind to recognize that these emotions are not the bad guy and that never, not for one millisecond are we truly victim. As we choose to rest in this peace we can accept nothing can truly be more powerful than our minds permit and as I lie awake in the night, I can choose to offer myself appreciation over worry. Thus I can offer myself the limitlessness of breathing freely rather than with strangulation. No matter what, I am as God Created me and with this I can lie in the night and embrace my light.