Giving is Receiving

Where I have been afraid to give?

There have been quite a few moments in my own healing where I have been afraid to give. I supported the justification of these fears by judgments based on the past. For instance, my thinking mind loves to delve into the “he or she done you wrong” story. Now, why take a chance on a new opportunity when there is definitive past evidence that it will not work out. May as well just play it safe, right? Moreover, such has been my general experience with most relationships (friend, lover, and family included). I can see how most of these beliefs have played out subconsciously, yet they were / are very prevalent within the choices I made and behaviors I exhibited. In my story there seems to be a myriad of characters that all have put love in terms of “what can you do for me?” scripts. Mostly it seemed to be with my parents. Although their love offerings were the best they could do from their own understanding, I often felt the attachments and conditions. If my love or life experience was not meeting their preferences, they told me about it. Love did not often seem unconditional to me as a child, as there seemed to be a good deal of potential for rejection and disappointment. Ah, and now I can see how it is this story that supported my fears. Here, most affection, if not all human forms of love, seemed rarely worth my time. I often gave with the expectation of being disappointed. Oddly, enough part of me was used to that story, and although I did not prefer it happening, I knew it was something I just had to make the best of anyway. Ah, Here I am playing the role of such a martyr! Yet, the one thing all martyr’s have in common is that they are all dead. So it seems now that I allowed myself to die a little bit inside every moment that I clung to the martyr story. Therefore, obviously, I was not truly playing this role for sainthood. Occasional grudges and “poor me” and rejection stories lingered in my head. These stories never genuinely offered forgiveness and always held on to the reality of my own beliefs in self-dejection. It also appears that I built my martyr role on the condition that I can play the role of victim and feel innocent in my own story of separation from God. Ah, don’t you just love it??! Here the cycle seems to go around:

1. “I want to love” -- wanting based on beliefs in need and emptiness.
2. “but I can’t love” -- can’t based on investments in past dejection.
3. “I must conditionally love” – conditional love validates my past judgments with affirmations of more emptiness, potential for attack and defense.

Then I wait for the treachery to reveal itself and thus prove my whole story all over again.

Holy Spirit, can you lead me through my teaching on this?

So far, you are doing quite a productive job of noticing. Giving is receiving simply because it is an affirmation of all you are. If you are afraid to give, it is only because you align more with beliefs in emptiness rather than fullness. Here you see yourself as limited rather than complete. You see yourself as apart from God, unworthy and unlovable. Indeed, why give when you have lost, can lose, or cause more loss?

If you are afraid to give, recognize the emptiness that seems to support this fear. If you find the emptiness, you will quickly realize that your fears have nothing to do with the outer world, but the perception of limitation within. You can find healing when you ask and find the desire to release from this belief.

Take a moment to breathe and realize what your truer desire is. If your desire is to know your Self as complete, as God Created, than allow this acceptance of completion to be your guiding light beyond all divisive wishes. Recognize from where your thinking aligns. What is its perspective? Do you hold onto a story from the past where you have seen yourself as limited or receiving of limitation? Do you see yourself as continually able to affirm this limitation in others? Do you see yourself as dependent on the future or on experiences outside yourself to prove your completion and worth? If your perspective resides in any of these mindsets, it is not in this moment. Furthermore, this perspective does not reflect the Love of God that You are. Here, instead of peace and Self-acceptance, your mind sits in judgment.

Again, to be in judgment is only to accept a dimmer version of You. It is to see your Self through the darkened glass, lingering in shadows. Hear me well; shadows cannot reflect the genuine Light you are. To see through shadows is only to progress further ideas of distortion. Therefore, the observing awareness must ask, “what do I desire – more distortion or clear Vision?” After this inquiry, if a justification for judgment arises, you have made your choice. If not, so too have you made your choice. Neither of these choices defines you permanently, because any choice is reflective of ideas of duality and self-definition. The Truth of You can never be ruled by your temporal definitions. These definitions are only ruling your mind and live briefly within the mind-game you play. However, noticing these shadows allows you to seek beyond them.

As you take a moment to observe these shadows, and all their consequent beliefs, simply be willing to be mindful of either choice without any further judgments. Notice where your values are currently having you reside. Notice the foundation of your house. Do not curse the house if it appears to be rooted in sand. That reaction is only furthering future sandcastles. Breathe again as you realize where your desires remain. Remember, Beloved, all is perfect.


Where have I sought relationships for selfish reasons?

All special relationships instigate from selfish beliefs. When I selfish I mean “self-limiting.” Special relationships themselves are the symbol for playing out the mistaken identity’s belief in emptiness and need. Truly, what need have you for love outside yourself if there were not a need to begin with? All need is an affirmation of emptiness. Does this mean that you should never engage yourself in any form of relationship? No. I have said before that I can use all experiences as learning devices. In the case of special relationships, the learning here is found in the rediscovery of True Self. Here we use the special relationship for awakening to the full awareness of your Completion. Thus living in the light of forgiveness is the guide for special relationships, and consequently is what transforms each one into an affirmation of Holiness.

Every special relationship begins with an idea of “what is in it for me?” Do not delude yourself. Every relationship begins with this wish because without this wish there would be no reason for bodies, identities, and joining on any level within a separated consciousness. The ego mind only wants to affirm itself. This is its only purpose. Therefore, the mistaken identity engages in all purposes of special relationships so that it can see itself as purposeful and productive within its separation.

You are right; you do not need a special relationship. However, your identity naturally draws itself to them as it seeks to verify itself. Remember, special relationships are not just romantic ones. These relationships include family dynamics, work and coworker relations, as well as superficial interactions you have with the multiplicity of humankind. Each interaction between two individuals is a playing out of the special relationship. Each interaction has the potential for reaffirming beliefs in separation, guilt, and individual need. Every interaction can justify all the stories told for sorrow, rejection, dependency, individuality, hierarchies, control, powerlessness, attack, and defense. Take a moment to consider some of the ideas that have gone through your mind while walking the street and quickly you see all the judgments and definitions portrayed. Only these judgments and definitions script the special relationship. Again, you cannot have a human experience without it. Realize this and realize that there is more to your own need for completion and identity outside yourself than originally recognized.

This is why I have asked you to begin a holy relationship with the world. It is in this expression of Self that you indeed look within and see no lack, asking only to realize the Truth in all whom cross your path. Here is where you ask to know the Vision of Holiness beyond the sight of humankind. Now, in the situation that you currently see yourself, this indeed is a call for awareness beyond all former relationships. Now is a moment to recognize some of your most treasured judgments. These judgments have been verifying beliefs in self-identity, with needs for isolation and defense, for longer than you are consciously aware. So what now you ask? Forgiveness. Simply be willing to be open and notice where you can offer healing and love within. Now, when I say within, I mean not solely within a body or your identity, but I mean within the One Mind. Seek reflectively to offer awareness and forgiveness for all who are associated with your being. See this as an opportunity not just to heal, but also to practice the love You desire to know. Take a moment now to loose the world from all you thought it was. In this loosening, include every idea you have about yourself. Include every idea where guilt can host its home in you.

Take a moment now to rest your mind and release any idea of need that filters through the surface consciousness. Do recognize that a selfish relationship is simply one that verifies and validates the separation. Be gentle with yourself if you see that this is one of your wishes. Realize that a wish to validate or verify the separate self is merely part of the illusion you accept as reality. It is not bad, nor is it punitive. However, this wish results in only more proof of what it seeks. Here you are given exactly as you request. If you seek healing within this paradigm than consequently you shall also receive as you request. Yes, you are that powerful and that blessed. Trust this awareness, for it only shows you a clearer picture of All You Are. God stands with you in this view of your self, however all He knows is Your Holiness. Therefore, do not berate yourself for wanting or wishing for anything that verifies a limited self-identity. Trust Me, the playing out of this illusion could not exist unless God Himself blessed every portion of it. However, His Blessing is one that affirms only the beauty, completion, and perfection of His Holiness, nothing more or less. In this awareness, you come to catch a mere glimmer of the grandeur that You are in Truth. I love you.