Beyond the ramblings of the mind

Holy Spirit friend, sometimes I feel so distant from You. It has taken me a bit this week to sit down and write this note, as this week I really felt ego take over. I felt immersed in fear, and felt more distant from you than ever before. Although I noticed that it wasn’t You who appeared to be the distant one. In all the frustration that appeared to be occurring, I didn’t even feel comfortable giving You a chance to intercede. I shut down and I listened to fear. I allowed myself to be swept up in confusion. Most of this was realized when I spoke to a friend and related my feelings just to hear myself say, “Spirit is not even a part of this now, it is all me.” Well then! I thought… how could I say that? How could I even feel that?

Soon after this thought, it was almost as if a flood gate of fear opened and I saw myself diving into the depths of hell. One thought after another surfaced in my mind and felt so real, so destructive. I felt so alone, so desperate, so abandoned by hope. I felt that I had nothing in this world that could be mine and felt that I had to make something perfect in order to be accepted. I even felt embarrassed by my conversations with You. I found myself feeling that nothing that I did in life was ever “good enough” and that I needed something else to be loved, appreciated, accepted. Gosh.. even as I write this I feel myself wondering how I could have felt these feelings and not brought them immediately to You? How could I let myself crawl into such a hole of deep doubt?

Now (as I pour out these feelings) I realize how much love I denied myself by isolating and giving up my faith. The fears seemed so strong, so overpowering, but yet you were there the entire time. However, even though you were there, I turned a blind eye. I covered myself up in fear and pretended that only the fear was real. When will I finally get it? When will I finally recognize the truth is available for my peace all the time? When will I finally begin to completely practice what you teach me? I feel like such a hypocrite. I even wish sometimes for You to slap me across the face and shout "snap out of it!" but I know that is not gentle... right?? (smile) However, why does it seem that I need to be beaten over the head in order to let myself accept these teachings?

First off Beloved, do not judge yourself for where you have been. Coming to peace now, is indeed coming to peace now. As you still your mind now, you open the door now, this is all that is of importance. I do not stand by you and think, “Well, where have you been? You could have opened that door a lot better or a lot earlier?!” That, my friend, is the voice of your ego and not me. Only the ego judges and considers itself ruled by unworthiness. Keep this thought in mind whenever you recognize a belief that judges or considers itself unworthy. Notice at that moment how you perceive yourself lost amongst the shadows. Do not ask or bargain with me to remove the shadows, or give you any shadow gifts. These are not of truth and so I will never respond to shadows with shadows. Instead, ask with Me to seek the light beyond the shadows and here, peace shall be done.

Now before I asked you to write a list of your fears, so that they may be looked at with a greater clarity. Let’s go over them now.

I fear being laughed at.
I fear being rejected.
I fear being forgotten.
I fear that everything I’ve ever tried to do is not good enough.
I fear failing.
I fear being lost.

Okay, good. Now let’s begin at the top of the list. Look up the word, ‘ridicule’.

Ridiculous: 1550, from L. ridiculosus "laughable," from ridiculus "that which excites laughter," from ridere "to laugh." In modern senses, ridicule (n.) is attested from 1690; verb is from 1700.


Does it mean insult?

No.

Who is the one that has decided that laughter is akin to insult?

Whoa, wait a minute there. Are you saying that if people do laugh at me that they are not insulting me or that I shouldn’t take it as an insult? Because I don’t really know about that. Obviously if they are laughing at me, they are insulting me.

Stop. Breathe. Who is the one that has decided that laughter is akin to insult?

I have.

Good. Now consider why. Is it because you consider yourself to be unworthy? Is it because you consider yourself to be valued less than others? If someone laughs about something you have done, does it mean that they are devaluing you? Truly, who has placed your value in their hands to begin with? Who is the one that makes your value determined by another point of view?

Are you saying that people are going to laugh at me for having this book published?

I cannot guarantee any reaction other than the beliefs that you already have within your mind. It is these beliefs alone that fuel your thoughts and dispense a multitude of nightmarish conclusions within the world of perception. Truly, if you do not have faith or confidence, it will appear most difficult to find peace within any experience. Listen, have we not already discussed how confidence literally means “with trust?” Surely, that is all that will give you strength in this fear. Fear has no strength because it cannot trust.

It will also be helpful to look within your own beliefs for where you are laughing or devaluing yourself. Remember the House of Mirrors. All that you see within is echoed through a world of distortions. Seek for a clear image and one shall be seen without any distortion.

Okay, so you are saying that this experience is only about me?

Always. All of your fears echo only ideas of distortion about yourself from a self that does not know. If it appears that you encounter a challenge on the outside, seek within to see where you are giving yourself an obstacle within. This will always give you a greater understanding about the present situation.

I think about blame.

I’m not asking you to blame yourself for any thought or feeling. That would be instilling guilt upon it and guilt is never helpful. In fact, it is a belief in guilt that has brought you to the original conclusions of unworthiness. Do not permit your mind to linger in thoughts of guilt, but instead allow yourself to notice them, so that you may be set free.

Now go back to your list and look within it. Truly, look within for every thought that has emerged from these fears. Search for what each one represents and where you have already condemned yourself before this thought emerged.

I can see how each of these thoughts is based on dependency, limitation or loss.

Remember that it is only a self believing in isolation can perceive itself to be isolated. Likewise, only a self believing in loss or separation can perceive itself to be lost or rejected. And furthermore only a self that judges and devalues through beliefs in guilt or unworthiness can make these images appear to be possible and real. An image that perceives itself as variable or dejected on the outside is one that only accepts these possibilities within.

So basically you are saying that each and every one of these fears stems from my own mistaken ideas about myself?

Yes. And here too lies the cure.

Your friend was correct in sharing with you the story of using form to judge yourself. This is an important lesson to recognize. Too often the individuated mind functions through the “I believe what I see” theorem. However, always, always, always it is the opposite. You see what you believe. Every image is an image of you. I cannot be clearer than this. Although this thought may be difficult to accept, it is imperative that, at the very least, you allow yourself to look at it.

Truly, what thoughts appear in your mind when you have something challenging or frustrating occur within your life experience?

Truthfully? Well, I often freak out. (smile)

Okay, good. So you meet an experience of fear with a thought of fear and furthermore a belief in the value of fear.

Yes, I can see that, but it seems so automatic. It seems that I can’t control the reaction.

Breathe, release and rest Dear One. Allow yourself to pause before making any conclusion would be helpful to you. The thinking mind is quite accustomed to operating on autopilot. This is because you have left it to be in charge. In fact, your entire experience of being separate and living as an individuated body stems from your constant agreement to let your thinking mind be on autopilot. If it were not for this constant processing of separate thoughts and conclusions, as well as your blind obedience to its conclusions, this world of perception could not functionally persist. You will see the truth in this statement simply by recognizing most of the challenges you witness in your life experience. Take a moment to review what everyone of those challenges mean about you and you will see what you believe.

I find that amazing. Not just the very idea, but I wonder how much it is true.

It is all true. Feel free to practice. Think of anything that occurred to be a challenge to you recently. Think of how you felt within the moment, and then allow yourself to go deeper. Look within to see what meanings about you or predictions occur relating to this event within your mind. However, what truly do you know other than what the event is showing you? If the event is showing you challenge, does that mean that you deserve to be challenged? Only if you believe this to be true, and then so it will be. Otherwise, if you were merely to witness the experience and immediately accept it as neutral or not reflective of you, simply walking through the perceived obstacles, than nothing would linger disturbing your peace. In fact, there would not even be a perceived obstacle at the start. Does this mean that everything will appear to run perfectly smoothly within your experience? Yes, as this is only what your mind would accept. Therefore, even if things did not go 100% according to expectations you consider now; if you were to release your adherence to judgments and limiting beliefs, expectations would not rule your mind and so all would be lovingly accepted as perfect from trust.

That seems possible but also impossible.

Only because you have yet come to think in this reality. But do not worry. It is possible now. Remember, peace is now and not then or there. As long as you allow yourself to be open now, that is all that is possible. And yes, this is a perfect start.

Okay.. thank you. I really appreciate this realization, but now the water is calling to me and it is time to kayak. (smile)

Let it be as you wish. I love you.