Shadow Boxing

I'm feeling upset. What is this all about?

It is about you.

Don’t say that.

Why?

Because I feel you are saying its all about my ego. I feel that is a judgment.

Ah. Have I said that?

No.

So why do you think it? Do you think that this upset is all about the ego?

Maybe.

Let’s look at that.

Sighh.. okay.

Are you struggling today because you are believing that only the ego is defining your purpose here?

I haven’t thought of it that way today, but that does sound clearly why I feel a bit frustrated. I don’t want the ego to define me, however I feel like the only way I can gain definition is through the ego.

You are correct. The only way you can gain definition is through the ego. This is only because the ego does not know who it is and therefore tries to define itself through the world. The world is a substitution for remembering the Truth. As long as you deny the Truth of your Self, you do not know who you are and then you seek out definition from another Source. Your True Self does not need to define itself because in Truth you know your Self.

That sounds simple enough. I guess I’m frustrated because I do not know my Self. I want to know my Self.

Stop wanting and start allowing.

Que?!

Stop wanting and start allowing. You are very skilled at boxing shadows. The thinking mind is in continuous battle with its illusions. However, all you need do is recognize these illusions for being what they are and no longer would you have a need to fight them. As long as you use these illusions to define you, you do not know your Self. It is that simple. The only cure to this is to remember. Accept your Self and remember. Quiet your mind and remember. Take off the boxing gloves and remember.

How come remembering seems so difficult?

Because you are in battle with your Self. Your Self is not accepting the battle and so it appears to be a struggle. I say, “Hush” and you scream. I say, “Hush and rest” and you jump up and down on the bed. I say, “All is perfect” and you cry out of desperation. No matter what your need or response, my answers will always remain the same. This is only a battle of play, and never one of my reality.

Man… that makes me sound like a child. Why do I resist so much?

Only because you do not know and are afraid. But, do not worry, I do not judge you for your resistance. Simply I wait, watch, and trust with you in your freedom. Play this out for as long as you want, never will I judge you. It is always okay. It is always perfect. I send only love.

I guess I should settle down. I guess its time to finally get to business.

(laughter) This is not an assignment Dear One. You are not to follow my directions simply because you feel I have said them. Your desire is already within you. The perfect moment has already been chosen for your awakening. All is perfect now. There is nothing for you to do other than simply enjoy the love you are.

But.. but.. shouldn’t I…

No. Simply enjoy the love you are. That is all.

[A few days later]

Holy Spirit, I had the strongest waves of sadness and lonliness pass through me yesterday. First, it seemed like just a regular ego attack where I could see the distorted thoughts passing through my mind. One by one, I observed the thoughts and recognized the stories they were telling. However, suddenly, my mind began to understand what the ego thoughts were saying at a level just below recognition of them. I guess I started to believe the stories – because they must of hit an inner note of acceptance on my part. However, no matter the reason why it happened, I was swept up in realization of what these thoughts were saying instead of just hearing them and then the dam burst. I recognized how lonely I felt. I saw how pained I was within and although logically I saw that these were ego thoughts, I kept seeing the thoughts and feeling a wash of crying trying to break through – but then I would go back to observing them and feel a bit better. It is hard to describe. Since I was in a public place at the time, I restrained my crying, even though I really could have burst out into serious sobs. I don’t cry well in public. However, maybe I should have let myself cry. I don’t know. My friends in this place saw I was upset and kept trying to cheer me up, but within me I wanted to just go more deeply into these thoughts and feelings so I could release them. I didn’t want to forget them. However, by the time I did come home and let myself relax, the thoughts and feelings appeared to have cleared up. Should I have let them come through?

First off, there are no right or wrong ways to allow yourself these moments of awareness. And yes, that is what last night was, a moment of awareness. You finally allowed yourself to clearly see what you believed deep within you. Conceptualization can be a form of restraint and restraint does not heal. You cannot analyze yourself out of these deep beliefs. These are beliefs that you have stored within for eons. You cannot simply pack these feelings away in boxes labeled ego and expect yourself to feel renewed. Honestly, if you want to do that, it will do nothing. Truly, you must allow yourself to flow through these feelings for their release.

But if I would have let myself cry last night, I would have felt so embarrassed.

Did it feel good to restrain the cry?

No. It felt very uncomfortable.

Yes, and this restraint against yourself is something that you have been practicing for a long time.

But why then by the time I did get home I felt better?

Because you involved yourself in distraction and the feelings went back into storage.

I don’t like that. That means that I really did not heal anything.

Don’t judge yourself Beloved. It is okay. But yes, these feelings still do linger within you and it would do you well to let them out. I know that you believe you “know better,” but truly, knowing better does not keep you from believing what you feel you do.

So I have to let myself feel these feelings even though cognitively I can see they are based on error.

Seeing that they are based in error cognitively does not keep you from believing them. Again we are not here to shadow box or merely label boxes. It will be important for you to open some of these boxes up and look within them. Only when you look at some of these personalized pervasive treasures face to face can you allow yourself to release them. Restraint will not be the way here. However, you were able to recognize when your thinking mind wanted to input a projection on the feeling. You went through a litany of stories of whom you could blame or find anger with for this feeling. Through this experience, you also saw how intellectually these stories were ridiculous, but you also allowed yourself to play imaginatively which helped you release them. It is okay to do this. Yet, as you were doing this, you began to recognize the more concrete beliefs that supported these projective castles. This is why you began to feel these feelings more deeply. You peeled away the surface distortions to discover the foundation of all your projections, and yes, this is quite traumatic.

That is a perfect way to describe it. You know sometimes I feel really frustrated with this whole process. I feel like this is too hard. I feel that it will be too impossible to succeed and that the mistaken beliefs in my mind are just too powerful for me to overcome.

This is because you feel you must overcome them on your own. Honestly, as long as you see yourself up against the world, surely it will appear to be impossible. However, it is never you up against the world. You are never alone, and the healing of the mind is not a personal responsibility completed through an individualized thinking mind.

Yes, that is important for me to look at, because that is often how I feel. I feel that it is me that is doing this healing thing and is feeling lonely and afraid. I feel that it is the small and unworthy self that must overcome itself.

But that is not true. The small and unworthy self believes it can overcome nothing, and it has no reason to overcome anything. This self thrives on fear and defines itself through these shadows. Therefore, yes, it is impossible to heal yourself through your self. Healing is a remembering that you are not this lonely, small, and unworthy self dependent on fear and frustration. This is not you. That is why I say that you are boxing shadows. Only the small and individualized self believes it needs to fight. And what is it fighting? Nothing but more shadows. This small self makes the shadows by turning its back to the light, denying who it is in Truth. This then projects the shadows and allows the self to perceive itself in battle. Being in battle, now it must defend or attack in order to live. However, all it need really do is return to the Light. Remember to simply turn back around and remember from where these shadows emerged. Do not deny the shadows, but recognize what they really are and set yourself free.