Crap Attack

Holy Spirit, I have not felt like writing in awhile, as I feel like we have been communicating mostly within my mind and I have been more that satisfied with that. However, last evening I had a wave of hatred flow over me. It was a complete crap-attack. As part of this New Year’s dedications, I strongly desired to leave these stories behind. Unfortunately, either I broke that resolution, or I managed to pack these resentments up without recognition, because they hit like a mighty ton of bricks last evening. Can you help me look into this?

What was the hatred about?

It was a multi-level hatred. I saw myself hating a person, and I mean REALLY hating a person. Rationally, I started by seeing the good in them, but then the good suddenly turned into hatred as I used this good to beat myself up. I told myself stories about how much better they were then me. I saw myself being angry with them because of that. I felt jealous and resentful. I felt like nothing in comparison to the accolades this person received. My mind told me every story as to why this person was so much better than me and how it sickened me. I told myself that they were throwing this greatness of theirs up in my face, which then led me to hating them more. I saw the reasons why I should hate this person because of her having “it all” and me having “nothing.” I was jealous of this person’s achievements and felt angry that I could not achieve the same. I tried respond by thinking of the good in me, but even though I know better, I denied it in comparison. Then I saw them as being smug about their achievements, which made me want to hate them even more. I also felt angry because there seems to be times when this person acts cold and distant to me. This seemed to prove their smugness, guilt, and perceptions of my unworthiness. Amazingly, by the clock, this whole tsunami of hate lasted only about 8 minutes, but it seemed so perverse and lasting. I felt like I was lost in the ego.

You do understand that all of this judgment was about your belief in unworthiness.

Yes, I do understand that, but I don’t understand why it was unleashed without obvious provocation.

Was it really without provocation? Didn’t you read something?

Oh yeah. I was reading a communication you had with a brother about self-hatred and then the wave hit. It was odd, because as I was reading the communication, I was very grateful that these words came through. I knew that I needed to hear them, but I did feel okay. There was really no reason for me to feel this way because of what was written in the communication. I recognized, through the words in the article, that I had felt that way before. I felt that I could relate to it and then became grateful.

And so you placed the key in the door to unlock these thoughts.

What? In my gratitude for the awareness of self-hatred?

Yes. In this gratitude, you invited your mind to look at its own self-hatred.

Wow.. I never would have thought of that. But why did the self-hatred appear to project so much?

Because the projection gave you a safe distance to review the hatred. If you had instead just looked at the hatred without projection, the trauma would have been overwhelming for you. Therefore, as a way to feel safer, your mind found a way to place the hatred on another in order to help you feel more comfortable.

So, the projection gave me a safer space within to look at these thoughts?

Yes. The hatred itself, if directed solely at yourself, would have been too overwhelming for one perceived individual to handle. Therefore, your identity chose the closest person possible to project this hatred on in order for you to feel safer. You have heard the saying, “misery loves company?”

Yes. But none of that felt comfortable.

It didn’t feel comfortable because you could still see through the smoke screen. Even though the ego was giving you reasons to justify the hate, and protect you from looking at the cause within yourself, you still saw how the hate stemmed from you. If you had been okay with the idea of projection, feeling that it was purposeful, the hate would have felt justified. However, you already accept within you that projection is purposeless and that all beliefs come from within you. Therefore, you refused to accept the ego’s saving grace.

Yes. That does make some sense. Hmmm. So is it okay that I projected the hatred? Is it okay because it was merely a defense mechanism?

Listen, it is normal for the ego mind’s functioning, but it is not purposeful. The hatred emerged from an illusory guilt you hold against yourself. This is the guilt of saying no to God and denying your true Self. This is the main guilt that supports all of your shadows. This is the guilt causes all feelings of isolation and inadequacy. It has no merit whatsoever. The guilt itself is illusion because none of its stories are true, starting with the story that you are separate from God. Therefore, ALL guilt associated with this original “sin” is likewise illusion. Additionally, every story that you make up about others, is also a perpetuating attempt at holding onto this illusion. The defense mechanism has a purpose to the ego – to find a way to keep you forgetting. The ego will always give you a reason to forget. However, in Truth, there are no purposes to illusion. All separate identifications are illusion.

In this particular case, you latched onto hate. You hated this person because she appeared to remind you of how separate you feel from God. You told yourself that she was accepted by God and you were not. Your wounded mind spun stories attempting to prove that she was accepted and you were rejected. You also spun stories saying that she was flaunting her acceptance in your face, showing you how much you were rejected and she was accepted. This, of course, was all untrue and impossible in the Light of Who You Really Are, simply because you both are perfectly One.

When I’m in “ego mode,” I do judge myself (separated identity) excessively. I judge myself by what my identity does or does not do. I judge myself by what this individual identity does or does not have. I see this self as needing to be valuable because I believe in its original emptiness. There are quite a few times when I really hate this self, and see this self hate played out into the world. Sometimes this hate is projected onto others through a lack of patience or jealousy of others, but most of the time it is just a personal dissatisfaction. But that’s only when I’m in ego mode and this ego mode isn’t constant. It has definitely dissipated a whole lot since we’ve begun working together (smile). Now, consciously, it shows up intermittently, but when it does show up, it is in rare form. When it shows up, it is loud and pervasive. I just can’t seem to turn it off completely. Will I ever be able to completely turn it off??

As long as you see yourself as a separate identity, it will be impossible to turn it off completely. As long as you identify with this separate self on any level, seeing this as who you are, then the ego will be around to support this dream.

Gosh. I do not like those “all or nothing” statements. No compromise. I have to see myself as all or remain feeling like nothing. (sigh)

There is no compromise with guilt. You cannot have wholeness as God Created and still believe that this wholeness can realistically be nothing. This is the most significant contradiction there is. Therefore, there is no compromise with the ego. The ego laughs at your ideas of compromise, because it knows that it is still getting its way entirely. Only when you choose to walk away completely from its ideas, will you succeed. Yet, notice, any moment that you ask to walk away, or consider walking away, the ego becomes enraged. This is because it is threatened.

Last night, as you began to read, you had the idea to walk away from the self-hatred. Walking away from the idea of self-hatred made perfect sense to you. This is why I say you turned the key. In your gratitude for recognizing whom you were, you seriously considered parting with the idea of self-hatred. As a response to this, it was as if the ego said, “oh yeah?? Walk away from me??! Ha!” Soon the ego decided to protect its reign. You issued a challenge, so to speak, asking the ego to make its purpose known to you, before you decided to say goodbye. Surely then, the ego responded with its entire arsenal.

Wow.. that does make sense. But were these thoughts true? I mean, not in the sense of Truth, I recognize that they are not real there. However, do I really believe these thoughts within me?

As long as you see yourself as a separate identity, lost and limited from how God Created You, yes, you do believe these thoughts. But you do not believe them for the reason you think. You do not believe them because there is merit in their judgments (about yourself and others). You believe them only because you see yourself not as God Created you. You believe them only because you see yourself as separate.

So all I need do is see myself as whole and whallah!

(giggle) If only it was that easy to your conscious mind. However, your conscious mind, being its self in separation, believes in these thoughts completely and wholly. Your conscious mind makes these ideas holy.

So there is no easy way to dump all of this? No magic wand or button to press?

The miracle lies within you, Dear One, but the power is not as you think. To the world, a miracle is an instant change, usually performed without struggle or challenge. The one who accepts the miracle must surrender to the will of the miracle-worker. You are on the right track by recognizing how much you must simply surrender now. This is inviting the miracle. This miracle will occur through the willingness to release. As long as you choose to release, without struggle or challenge, the miracle will lead you to the deepest peace. When you surrender, you accept the miracle and open the door to full remembrance. And yes, this is possible.

Thank you for letting me know it is possible. I guess I have to keep willing for awareness and surrendering.

Don’t be surprised if challenges continue to arise.

I won’t, but I think I will understand why they are happening a bit more now. Though, I can’t say that I’m happy about it.

Beloved One, please be happy. For this is as God Created you. Never mourn your freedom. The consciousness that seems to cause your trouble is only because you chose to see it as purposeful. Truly, it is a celebration of your freedom. It celebrates the freedom of God’s Son to imagine and play out every possibility. Do not curse this freedom, but instead remember that it too is a representative of love’s true beingness. That is why I have said before that the best response is to send it love. The best response is to see all as love. In sending this consciousness, and all its companions, love you are surrendering to the one reality.

I choose to surrender and remember. Thank you.

You are well-come. I am glad that you come this way with me. I love and lead you all ways and always.